Pigs on Buns

Time: 12:17. World population: 6,562,349,972.
I am standing in a short queue, waiting to order my lunch.. What can I eat today that is good for a food-conscious, middle class body-botherer. I want to eat something compatible with my six-pack. You know, the one that brings the women on. Well, at least it works for some women, especially if it’s packed with ice, and served cold.

Oh – you thought I meant my six-pack abs. Yes, I have one of those too. It’s down there alongside the bag of chips and baked-beans.
Salad, a little dull. On white bread. If I’m good enough to eat salad, then white will do. Perhaps I’ll have ham on that, but really, perhaps I shouldn’t.

Eating meat saps far more from the planet than plain vegetables. The area and the energy consumed is considerably greater. And besides, pigs are intelligent, aware creatures, even if they have ugly pink snouts.

They are kept in little pens for a brief, unhappy lives so they can be chopped, sliced, and slapped on buns. Pigs on buns, pigs with guns. Little sad piggy eyes pleading. Don’t eat me.

It’s hot outside, and I stroll off for my mandatory exercise. The salad and the walk give me the excuse I need for another little concession. I’ll have a modest sweat thing when I pass the bakery. Salads are a proven source of negative calories. If you eat some, they offset the calories of other foods such as cake.

Some foods such as beans have very high concentrations of negative calories, but the record is held by the brussel sprout. A single sprout will offset an entire double layer, quadruple chocolate mud cake. A bowl of sprouts will negate the entire week’s intake of the average westerner.

Time: 12:20. World population: 6,562,350,816. The ham salad roll tastes nice.