The ugliest of them all

Can I ? Can't I explain how this ugly thing in me is winding my mind to the ground.
The ground is quite comfortable. I don't mind being there. At least I know where it is, and it can't go much lower.

Ugly feelings of something overpowering my head and my capacity to think, Yes, it is the point of self will and religions get rid of those feelings in a couple of seconds by imposing their will on the torn patient.

Do you know what it feels like when life is so crammed, so low, and all you have in your mind is search for a comfort, for something to make you feel better and imposes itself in your head like blue ink spills over a table?
I am sure you have known of such moments, but even though I have too, I want to explain them as I want to understand them.

It has been many days, since the detox, that food cravings have come back. Some people may say it's the vegetable diet which has made the body low in certain nutrients. Yeah, it's possible.
But this feeling of food craving, of wanting to eat all day long, is way too familliar for me, and comes from a long time ago. It became very appearant and strong when I started working in Planet Organic, this organic shop in Westbourne rove, part of a chain that refuses to give any of the left over foods or foods which were past their sell-by date, to the staff.

I was working behind the bar (confessions) and even though I love the feeling of working, and loved cleaning the juice bar the best I could, my mind state slowly degradated, I became bored, agressive, annoyed, sad, moody, and I was more and more attracted to eating, during the day, all I could have, thinking of it like a revenge for all the food that they threw in the bin and none of us were allowed to take home.
This really made me upset and angry. I was living in a squatt at the time, and my squattmates were doing the bins of Pret-a-Manger a few nights a week, bringing back lots of fresh food which had been thrown off after the day's work. They were lovely, sharing and generous people, and always told me to take what I wanted from their fridge.
They knew I worked in a food shop, organic as well, and they always asked me to try and bring back what I could that was thrown away, and I was always so embarassed in front of them, telling them that those posh bastards who made all this cash and were so "organic" and "Earth loving" would sack us if we were found to take any of the sold-by-date food home...
I have never been a daring or brave person, when it comes to authority, but their ethics inflamed me so much (coming from a family that doesn't waste food and has not much, etc) that yes, a few nights a week, I did "steal" quite a few loaves of bread which were going to be put in a bag and placed inside the big food bin outside, and also took some gone off things that were not going to get given to the homeless charities(because to show people their are ethical, they did give some gone off limpy vegetables to the homeless, who never took the vegetables but always took the tins of processed food. I think if I was homeless, I would try to get as many vitamins as I could, and would not accept junk food if I had the choice! anyway, that is today's society's food choices.)
So yes, I took a few things back home...And the squatmates were always so happy. I felt good to be able to help my community. I was a thief to the eyes of my company, and should have been sacked. The managers at the time were often upstairs, and weren't anal enough to check our bags when we finished, many of them knew some of us were taking old bread home, but shut their eyes if one was perceived to do so.

But being able to take some of the stuff that I wasn't allowed to feed off, back home, wasn't enough to make me feel happy to work for this stingy company. I started getting rather depressed working for them, threatened to leave many times (but one of the managers kept me there, he was gorgeous and always had a kind word for me, and kept telling me he didnt want to lose me because I was such a good worker, which I was)
Whilst on my shifts at the juice bar, I kept eating dry fruits, left-overs of juices or smoothies made for the clients, for most of the day. I ate sooo much. I always had the stomach full, but always wanted to eat something else. And always ate more, more , and more. I didn't touch sugar there, as I was trying to fight off sugar cravings and possble diabetis and fungus and hypocondria, so I was very sensible and only ate fruit and nuts and things with natural sugar. 2 holes grew in my lower teeth as a result of this planet Organic binging. I was very worried about my teeth. Hadn't seen a dentist for 10 years. So I ate even more to compensate my fear.
This lasted for about 2 years, on and off, till a friend offered me to live with him, without paying rent, so I wouldn't need to work 40 hours a week for £700(money of which I spent more than half in planet Organic, for my shopping, looking after my health) , nor have to worry as our squatt was always under the threat of being closed down... By the end, I was working part time anyway, so I wasn't making much money at all, and I was getting really angry and depressed about my life working for those people whom I thought were gods of goodness and kindness (being bosses of an "organic" business) but in fact were hardly humans.

Having a new security with that friend was very helpful, and I thought my food cravings would go away, since they are usually there because of insecurity.
But, having left the horrible Planet Organic and its arsy customers and arsy staff (some of them) whom i really hated and kept thinking about all day long (hate is very destructive) , not having to work much other than occasional modelling appointments, my food cravings stayed with me.

It's the feeling useless, and feeling guilty about feeling useless, then feeling guilty because I feel I don't deserve the food which is on the table, even though I was doing a lot of housework for that friend, and gardening; I felt I strongly didn't deserve to have an easy life, and I carried on with needing that food, more and more, inside me, like filling something which is not really fillable; My friend kept telling me I was allright, that I did many tings for him that were beyond any payments offered, that I was for him more than he wanted, posed for him and entertained him and went with him on holidays and did many other things.
He was so generous and kind, but i ended up feeling paranoid of getting trapped into a "housewife" kind of life, and felt really low about myself.

Work wasn't what I needed, I needed a life purpose. The fashion erupted from those few years spent with him, and I thought it was going to be my life carrer as I was so talented at it so quickly, but at the same time so insecure about it as my mother always taught me that only classic perfection is acceptable...
Then the healing interest slowly came, and then I moved out from his house, having just about enough money to pay rent and getting myself a life for me, not needing to share it with anyone else (even though I do and sometimes it brings paranoia again)

To go back to the ugliest of all, the feelings of insecurity about having enough food tomorrow... The food cravings substised. They stayed there. The guilt I felt as I was home all day and kept thinking about feeling useless and wasteful made it more challenging to actually go with the food cravings and put that food in my mouth, chew it and swallow it... I don't think it is the chewing feeling that I am craving for, but the feeling that I have "eaten" something, which compensates for something else...I am not sure what.
The action of taking something out of the cupboard, feeling guilty as I hold it, feeling I do not deserve it, feeling my ancestors and my father would probably tell me severely that I am worth nothing living the life I live, that I am so wasteful, so disrespecful towards myself and them, and then I think about the rest of humanity, the ones who work in the fields, the ones who hate their jobs but work to allow me to bite into that apple... If they knew I did nothing all day... If they knew I live a life of luxery, I am free, I can do what I want, I have all the time in the world (except when sewing or photography work arises) ...And if they knew that all I do , most of how my time is spent is in front of this very computer screen...
Yes, I am holding that food. I feel the guilt, the non-deserving, the feeling I should be ill with all I eat, or I should work in a mine, or I should go and break stones somewhere in Syberia...
And the food is eaten... I always dread someone to come behind me and tell me severely to put that food back where I found it, and they would go and lock the cupboards. And I would go, the back all round, and all hungry and sad, go back to polishing the 30 feet ballroom's wooden floors. No, this is not from this lifetime. It is just a thought.
Thinking that so many other people struggle, have nothing to eat, and I am there, doing "nothing" , not achieving to do my homework, or anything which is respectable and worthwhile. And I eat all day. And I feel guilty about eating all day. And this guilt pushes me to never be satisfied with the amount of food I have eaten, and always look for more. No wonder why the fungus loved it there...it's full of waste!!!
Waste in the mind. A waste of a mind that I could utilise to grow. But I feel I cannot get out of this. If I rigidly get myself out of eating, it works for about a week, I feel horrible the first few days but then start feeling better. But there is the computer. There is my body, who lays still, a waste of muscles and bones, who just sit there, bored, thinking they rather be ill because at least I take care of them.
This body that wants to live, but my mind, putrifying under alll this waste that I do not know why it's there, sits here feeling guilty and keeps on doing nothing which I actually want to do, and feels more guilty about it and gets the feeling that my whole being is putrifying so quickly that soon I will be at least dead, if nothing else.

The food cravings had got slightly better as I went on the anti-candida diet. And at some point, certain weeks, I felt totally unbothered by whether I ate or not. I didn't even rush in the mornings to fill my stomach, who needs all that energy to spend its time in front of the computer. I felt happy. but I still felt profiligate and time wasting as far as humanity is concerned, I feel judged, and as I feel judged I slouch and stay in my computer corner, rather than getting up and doing some exercice, some sewing, or some course working.
I suppose my self confidence is very low, particularly as now I have such severe doubts about healing, about Reiki and about Craniosacral therapy, about any of those 2 working at all or if they work, about my own ability to understand them... I feel my life purpose has been flushed down the toilets since I started the course... It feels so rigid. I don't know if I can help people heal. I surely can't heal myself, so I will never be any good at healing others untill i master my own feelings of putrefaction...
I feel so horribly shit about myself. I am nearly 30... I am not married, have not bought a house, have not got full time work, dislikes working for other tyrants, have not got a boyfriend, and am studying something in which, right now, I don't even believe in. If it worked, woudln't it have sorted me out since 2 years I have been going to it??

I wish I could enjoy my life and get some movement in it... I really feel stuck in one corner. And those food cravings occupate my mind with worry, worry about tomorrow's food and worried about my health from overeating, worried about all the ugliest things I can think about, worrying about other friends I do not talk to anymore because they refused to open to me ...

I am going to hide this very far away because it's so ugly, I don't want anyone to read it.