Love-in-me; me-in-love? Tangled

Even Marc noticed it this morning as I spoke to him.
Though I am not sure how to handle it.
Let time do it, I suppose. Not be fearful of it. Let his hand reach mine. Let the roles and the boxes vanish as the truth comes out.

---------------------------------------

I have a slight big problem: Now I look back: I think I am giving out the wrong messages to people, and particularly to men, in general.

There are instances everywhere, whether it be in real life, or through cyberspace, etc, where I open to others and they open to me, in a way which make it feel like other things are happening.

There seems to be a sneaky part in me which says "I would like to give someone hope", therefore behaves appropriately by having a certain contact with them.(I am talking about spoken contact, not physical contact, because that is another story)

I feel really twisted inside.

I fear to desapoint others. But for fuck sake...It is not just for them !

I am not here to provide the world with some sort of 'happy' and 'loving' 'woman' blanket, to my expense!! It is not for me to make an effort to love the whole of humankind!(in a 'couply' sense, or relationship, or sexually)
Why should it be my duty to love all the men I come in contact with? (I thought that was Jesus's role, even though for him, it wasn't in a couple sense, was it!)
Will I stop acting like a charity? It doesn't help them and it doesn't help me. Just like one could argue it doesn't help the heroin addict to give him a tenner.

The reason for all this is that I resent so much having been rejected in the past, when I was growing up, by most men or boys and women(non-sexually for women), because I felt so ugly and low confident...
It is why, today, it feels like a duty, a role I have to fulfill, to 'flirt' and make someone feel very special, when really, all I want is a friendly contact. And I have no intentions whatsoever.

But they, seem to think my attention has something sexual to it... Or emotional, or loving in a relationship-hope way.
All this then gets tangled up and I get wrapped in some non-saids which then end up as really heavy and disturbing mind traumas... And get really difficult to deal with. Particularly when I have such strong affection towards just one person.

I get to a point where I don't really dare saying to others "I am seeing someone, I care for someone, I have a boyfriend" ...
But it comes out as "eeeeuh....welll.....(with 3 l) ... I dunno... Maybe, maybe not... (I don't want to desapoint you in case you had some plans for me and I am here for your service since I am woman)"

MERDE MERDE MERDE !!!


Mmmh... This is definitely twisted.
Can I recognise my own love for the one person that means so much to me? How can I tell the others ? It's like having a list of pretendants! It's mad! It's not middle-ages!
Am I just making up that there are a few people out there that do think about me in certain terms? Because of my own behaviour? Or just because they fancy me?
Is it arrogant to think so and maybe I am just twisting my perception of them?
Maybe nobody fancies me at all, really, and all they want is just friendship; they never did fancy me or have feelings for me in the first place!!!
That would be cool if it was the case and I was just acting on some unexisting drama.. It would be a great relief.

Do I flirt? Do I do it without realising it? Or do I do it so to make them feel wanted and accepted? Maybe I don't flirt after all but I just want to make others feel special and it looks like flirting. What about sex and sexual attraction? What do I do with that? What about... I m all lost

I really feel a sense of duty of helping men out there, who seem to find confidence in me rather than in themselves.
I feel fucked up. And very silly. I am not that special, I am not that pretty, I am not that confident or charismatic.
I happen to have a body which is in fashion because fashion like skinny people, so men look at me I suppose, because of that. But I am not blonde, I have a 'french nose' which I used to be very ashamed of because it is bigger than a 'british nose', and I don't have big tits, I don't wear high heels or pretty bras, so at least I am not playing that role of "meniser" (the opposite of womeniser which I can't spell).. I don't know.
It's not that I am a bombshell, as someone nicely pointed to me a while ago. (see brackets, below)


----------
Brackets:

[[[[[(Here is the extract of the email I got from this person: "Je vois que tu t'interesses beaucoup a la meditation et au reiki, mais tu ne semble pas t'aimer toi meme, Je me demande pourquoi, t'es certes pas une beaute fatale mais t'es bien, (ne me prend pas mal), je sais que Je suis peut-etre mal placer pour te dire cela mais j'aime bien l'expression de ton visage et je vois que tu sembles sincere"
In English:
"I see you are very interested in meditation and Reiki, but it seems to me that you don't love yourself and I wonder to myself why? You are not, indeed, a "fatale beauty" but you are allright,(don't take it badly). It may not be my place to say that but I do like the expressions in your face and I see you seem sincere"
(Now that kind of truth did shock me a bit! PArticularly the bit about "you don't seem to love yourself" how the hell would he know? He dones't know me. That is a very unfair comment)]]]]]

------------ End of brackets, back to the stuff.

I am "allright" . It's cool.
So why all this flirting thing business? I would understand if I looked amazingly attractive. I dont know. It's not all about the physical stuff anyway, is it.

It really seems like there is something odd going on. It also feels eneergetic.

I feel really tangled up in some invisible web of social insanity.
Tangled because of myself.

I don't know how to get out of it.

I suppose it would help if you swore you would never fall in love with me. Which would be very cool.

Which is why SOMEONE out there did me this enormous favour one day (a few weeks ago), someone I was in love with for a while; and he seemed to reciprocate the feeling when "things"happened.
But after a while, he said to me...that...Actually, he loved me less than I loved him. That he wasn't that taken with me after all.

I thought that was just FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!

I looked at him with very round eyes...Well, in my minds eye. What??? Someone not in love with me who has flirted with me? Cool! So I don't need to feel guilty! ( Even though it is hard for me to love anyone, I must admit I did love him a bit. It was not all to do with roles. He was a really cool person and I know he may see this: it is not just show. )

AND I CAN'T GET HIS WORDS OUT OF MY MIND...thinking a man dared saying that to me...??? Taking away my need of role... This is the best ever thing I have ever heard, from someone whom I felt close to.Someone who now says my friendship is important to him.

Of course, a stranger saying that would mean nothing and would be slightly hurtful. But coming from a friend whom I lived such amazing adventures with... It really , really, really helped me so so so so so so sosososososososososososososo so much.
It makes my heart jump and be all joyful.


ANd I should just remember that... And think YEAAAH. I can be myself and just love myself and let others find their own love for themselves without needing some sort of fake mirror.
WIthout needing a women to flirt with them with a sense of if she doesn't, they will feel rejected...

I need a remedy...

ANd I think it is called "looking inside, listening to the truth and the feelings and acting upon them"

Thanks for your preaching, easier said than done.

I better get on now, liver flush on the way!!
That was only supposed to be a tiny blog. It started with a sentence. Then built up to 1 paragraph. ANd now, 2 hours later... I have things to do, come on! But bloody hell, it helps me understand...


I feel I have just liberated myself from something. I suddenly feel...Freer.


My obsessive song of the day that I have listened to about 30 times since last night: Nine Inch Nails "The Hand that Feeds"


ORGn from 23/05/08