A moment in time - to remember forever - the soul

The night was spent wondering, asking, and woke up at 2am with a certainty.
He was outside. Floating, happily, rescued and free at last.

I felt protected, like a layer of something which made me feel calm and happy about it all. 2.30am felt like 6.30am, then 4am also felt like 6.30am.
5.30am saw me wondering about 6.30 but with an hour to go, I honoured it one last time, with difficulty. Not drinking all night had been very anxious and I feared to die of dehydration as I usually force myself to drink so much. My bladder didn't seem to like it.
I was worried about the pills. I feared that more than anything, in fact. Painkillers are something i never took and antibiotics neither, I didn't , really didn't want to pollute my body that way, because it was compulsory.

I decided to get up, not knowing what else to do as sleep didn't want to come back. I wanted to walk there. By the time i had done a quick apologetic email to my friend whom I had been a bit arsy with, the night before, it was before 7 and nearly too late for the bus, I had to be there at 7.30am.

Several books in my bag, I was expecting the wait to be very long. I chose the Kaballah book because it was what saved me in France when I felt so depressed. The writings from this "cult" and Hebrew sacred words seem somehow to act in a positive way on my nervous mind. Why? The eyes can read things that I cannot comprehend myself.
The other book was the 10th Insight, following the Celestine Prophecies that Sean sent me and I had started but no time to finish as I won't allow myself any free time before finishing my homework, homework which I never do so I never get any free time to do what I truly want to do. I thought I would get the chance then, to read it all.
I also took my Ged Sumner book of the Body, if I was in the mood for studying a bit, it is a friendly book about the functionning of the body and exercices to feel oneself. Very opening.

Something told me to go to the bus stop on the right of the cross road. No bus arrived and I was getting stressed. A double decker which wasn't mine arrive, and behind it, I saw the insinuous light of a free taxi... This was it! It was raining, and I stopped it, it was very early for a taxi and unusual in those parts, but I suppose everything happens for a reason.

I ended up there at 7.05am, way too early! I found the first floor, chose the stairs which were all dark, and found the doors of the reception closed. Behind me was a girl speaking loudly on her mobile phone, despise the "no mobile phone to be used here" signs, everywhere. She was saying "darling" and stuff like that, to who sounded like another woman. I wondered if she was one of them too, like me.
A couple of black ladies arrived, the younger one carrying a suspicious bag with what looked was on the list, in it. They were a bit more friendly and asked about timings; the girl who had stopped talking on the mobile to read her book, said she had been here since 7am, as I said they opened at 7.30 and I hadn't seen any soul about.
They went off and looked around.
7.25, a black lady opened the reception's door with a key but didn't seem to give us any signs of welcome, even though she turned on the lights so I waited a bit more.

A couple more people came up, and another lady came up with anotehr suspicious bag, and went up through the doors, it seemed time. I followed, worried that someone else would get in there first even though I had been waiting 25 mins and the other one half an hour! Everybody followed and we sat down near a reception where a man eventually asked us to leave each other space, seemed to glance at a piece of paper and not even seeming to take any names down, asked us to sit down again. He seemed very joky to the quiet girl who stayed in her books. The smell in that reception wasn't very nice, it was much nicer in the corridors, where it smelled like in a school, smell I love and still cam remember now.
I wanted to go back out to the corridors and look at the outside but noticed a window opened near where the receptionist turned on an annoying TV on breakfast programs. An open window would stop me surely die of lack of oxygen as well as dehydration. I was asking my body to capture all the moist it could from the air...As it wouldn't get any water for a long while.
I was 4th to see the receptionist, and wondered what order we would go in.
A man on crutches entered, surely he wasn't there for the same reason, with his obviously pregnant wife.
A couple who looked like Indian Muslims, the wife being in her 40's, also arrived. I saw her later, waiting in a similar gown, and thought that surely, she couldn't be there for that reason neither, surely they don't allow such things in their culture.

I was said they were seeing 11 people this morning, for the same reason as I. I supposed all the other people that had been waiting with me were there for that...It felt odd. 3 other women. Deciding for themselves. Of their lives.

One by one, we were sent to get ready in a large room where they pulled individual spots surrounded by curtains. I liked the curtains, they were a pretty blue with their NHS logo on it. Very nice fabric also, was the gown they gave us, open in the back. Lovely fabric. It felt very warm and nurturing. I thought with a certain anguish..That it is probably the same thing they ask labouring women to wear on their very day...
There was an armchair in that little curtain space, a table, a chair, and quite a bit of space. I undressed and wondered what to do with the haircap and the synthetic knickers. It all looked a bit mysterious. I don't have sleepers so didn't bring any. But my newly made dressing gown with checked dark blue and white fabric was lovely to have...A day spent looking after myself, like my mother would have done on such occasion as I didn't own one since I threw out the one F gave me, which I didn't like as it made me look like an unsexy housewife.
I stayed in there for a while. The Thai assistant was the one who said to me there were 11 people waiting. SHe was nice enough. A nurse then came in, who said the same thing to everyone, as I could hear over the curtains... "Now, you have come here for... ".... and after a while, she inserted 4 pills. I had heard her asking the friendly black girl to relax before me, so I made sure I was not tense. I asked her many questions. She said I would have to ask the anestesist about not having the painkillers given when I was sleeping, but she would make a note of it.
She was nice and friendly again. She said to me to wear the knickers things as there may be leaks but that in a moment, someone would call me to take me back to the dreaded TV room to wait. (they must need the space). I asked her if I could take my book (I didn't dare take my mobile phone, though I was anxious to hear from R and C as I had been a bit arsy towards him this morning too)
I was a bit anxious as to deciding what book I should take with me, then decided that after all, maybe it didn't matter and I could take both with me, if they allow one book, they must allow two. I took the 10th insight that I had started to read, unsuccesfully in the corridor (kept on rummaging over the same paragraph over and over again, in the same manner as I read my cranial books, seeing the words and not registering them in my brain) and the Kabalah book.
As I was alone behind curtains, whilst looking at the Kabalah sign of "inducing healing" I did some Emotional Freedom Technic tapping. I had started doing that in the taxi, and in the corridor.
Something happened slowly. I did a tapping about my fear of dehydration as I was feeling so thirsty and worried about my pee hole which is a bit inflammed since the last 2 months and was calling me again...
And after it and doing the rolling of the eyes and the singing (quietly) and watching that healing sign, I felt amazingly that my thirst feeling had gone away and I felt much peace.
Again, I felt protected. I felt the spirit around me as well. I felt acceptance, and anger was nearly gone. Except against my poor loved one that I felt like splitting up with, lately, as this has just been too much and my love has just vanished away.

I was waiting to be taken to the TV room. My homeopathy granules hiden in the secret pocket in my gown for after I would wake up. I looked up the other signs of the Kabalah and felt that those scripts seemed to make my head feel different, each of one. I tried looking at the ones without looking at what they were supposed to represent but they didn't work as well. Maybe there is something psychosomatic in it then, which is annoying.
I felt happy. A bit scared about the antibiotics, but happy to escape the pain killers.
I focused on my pelvis, but nothing seemed to be there. It was good to know I was doing teh right thing.
Was I really a woman? Was all this really happening?

Someone called something which looked vaguely like my name, but as I wasn't sure, I didn't react, but as it called again, I came out and looked. A friendly black man came in and asked me how to pronounce my family name...I said it and felt once again...The fate of the names we are given at birth..>Such a burden to have a family name. Particularly one like mine that nobody will ever understand or be able to pronounce. He asked me where I was from.
He said "would you like to come ?" I said...What? He said "yes, to the anestetic room"
What? it was about 8.45, I was supposed to go to the TV room and wait for about 3 hours whilst reading my books and getting stressed! (and trying to relax, succesfully, but for how long...)
I looked at my golden shoes and asked him if it was ok, he said yes. He added that they were very golden indeed.

I was a bit flushed. Left th books in the compartiment thing where I had stuck all my other clothes. Worried I suppose.
We went behind 2 double doors where there was something which looked like an ambulant operating table thing, in a room with lots of bottles and cables everywhere. The anestesia room.
He explained a few things, told me his name that I didn't get at all, stressed by all happening and it being a name even more obscure than mine?!
I bent to get my shoes but he said he would pick them up himself and asked me to lie on the table thing.
I did, without my gown. I looked at my toes and he looked at them too. I was ashamed.
He must have thought "ah, this one has a bad nail fungal infection" Why do I always have to carry shame with me wherever I go? Shame which is visible on my body? It is very strange I never caught any shameful sexual diseases, maybe my shame hasn't a sexual energy about it like some other unlucky people.
He stuck some things on my chest and I asked what it was, he said it was to monitor the heart. It made me feel safe that he answered (they) questions. He took my blood pressure again and checked against the one thatw as taken earlier and said it was even lower than earlier.
The nurse with the pills had taken it and said that it was normal, if I was a water drinker and hadn't drunk, that the pressure be down. Maybe I drink too much generally?
It worried me that my blood pressure was low. It confirms me into seeing who I am, someone with not that much energy and an immune system which is a bit low really, an acid field.

Then, another man came in, the one that had asked "what is beautiful?" as I was speaking to the first man about healing and energies which were a beautiful thing... They didnt say much but it felt like spreading something peaceful and beautiful around... Insiduous energies.

]I like insiduous, I m not sure what it means but it seems handy today.[

The second man then took a needle, and said to me this would be the most painful thing of all, planting it into the top of my right hand. I wasn't that scared of needles, strangely, and trust people with it (I used to be scared of them like everyone else, but in later years, as my ffear of cars has increased, my fear of needles lessened).
It did hurt less than when they put it in the inner arm. He fixed it with some cellartape and we waited. They were talking away and they told me I was the first one. The nurse had told me that the doctor decided who would be first on the list, and they didn't know how the chosing was done. I was very humbled and happy to be the first one.
I met the doctor, a white woman who somehow was a bit dryer and colder than everyone else I had met so far. She presented herself as "I am the one who will perform the operation on you".
OK then.
The more important black man asked me about the painkillers which they were supposed to insert rectally as well as the antibiotics, and said there was a note saying I didn't want them, and I said it was right. He said "are you ok with the antibiotics?" I said "I didn't know I had a choice? If I had a choice, I would ratehr not take them but isn't it compulsary?" he said it was routine to do it in nhs hospitals in those sorts of operations to cover themselves but it was up to the patient. I took my chance and asked if I could also avoid them...And he said it was ok. Victory!!! My 2 nightmares were out of the way! Never mind the toxic anestesia, I was to get away without the horrible antibiotics which would probably kill my intestines slowly!

The tall black man then took a cable and fixed it into the needle. There, I was scared. I was scared of death. They had asked me if I was allergic to things; but I didn't know if I was allergic to general anestetics... What if I was going to die?
It was like a really fast strong feeling in my arm, like something very pointy and focused, travelling through my hand, arm, upper arm... They were asking me to clench the hand. I thought this was how poison felt when it went through the bloodstream.
It feels like something invading you. They put an oxygen mask over my mouth which was a bit repressive and smelling of plastic as the anestesia drug went in me. POssibly to make me forget about the drug and concentrate on other tings, like my breathing. I seemed to be in a state of "nothing happens" for about 10 seconds. (after feeling the arm) but then... I must have gone.

+++++++++++++++++++++++


I heard a lot of noise and thought those people were very noisy. I felt happy to sleep and didn't want to wake up. As the noise carried on, I reluctantly opened my eye and saw an Asian doctor person talking aloud and then he said "ah, I have been trying to wake you up for some time!" I was in the recovery room. I felt a bit out of it, knew where I was but my dehydrated brain wasn't quite there yet.
I felt peaceful and sleepy still. He spoke to me and I think asked me what my family name was. I can't remember very much of what happened there, except I remember as I woke up to "quick, get to the anti-anestesia pills!" which I got out of my sleeve but actually kept in my hand and felt drowsy again. I coudln't take them as he was watching me anyway. Maybe it could wait.
He gave me a small glass of water, which I rushed on like if I hadn't drunk for a week, even though the feeling of danger and thirst had now gone a bit. But I Was happy to drink! I would die without it! I am so scared of the lack of water! (and then I thought...The lack of love, it is what I am scared of, really...)

As I lied down there, thinking how peaceful I was, and did something really happen, did they really take this living cells out of me, I suddenly had a flow of tears coming...Not guilt. But just intense sadness because of the last few months, and I could see myself and how this all had lead to this happening today. How I was sabotaging, destroying myself slowly, looking for events which would be difficult and would make me suffer. How much I stressed myself out and wouldn't allow myself to love, or to be happy. How much I had lead myself to something drastic like this maybe to make me snap...to the other side.

My body started shaking very soon after I woke up. My teeth which were clenched before, started shaking also. he man asked me if I was cold, and I said that I was actually very warm, but shaking anyway. Then, I remember in a mug, telling him about the trauma and when people have trauma, they shake and it is the way for the body to release all that happened. But I don't know if he was willing to listen and understand. I was happy my body was shaking like that. I just couldn't stop it, and didn't want to stop it!

I stopped feeling sad and felt peaceful and happy, and how much better I felt now I knew the danger of anotehr life was gone... But the shaking kept coming back.


The friendly Asian nurse asked me if I could get up now, and as I felt strong enough for it, he held me a bit and we walked slowly back to the Curtain square where I was doing my tapping earlier. The Thai looking assistant woman was there and smiled at me, asking if I was ok.
I was ok, but asked her for some more water.
I was sitting in the armchair, shaking uncontrollably and they gave me a special warmer blanket, as they thought I was cold, when I wasn't at all. I managed to take my anestesia homeopathy pill in between 2 shakes, suddenly remembering about them, and finding out I was holding them!

A nurse came to see me and asked me how it went (a pretty young one) and explained ot me that it was important I went to the toilet at some point to see if I could pass urine, because if I coudln't, it meant something was wrong and they needed to keep me to check why. I was a bit worried because I didn't feel anything in my bladder even after 3 glasses of water. I supposed it was sulking for having been deprived of water and left with the bacteria a bit too long.
I was shaking for quite a while. I just wanted to stay there and recover. They proposed me something to eat twice, wondering why I wasn't hungry for some biscuits or unhealthy bready sandwhiches. They brought a brown bread sandwich to the girl with the mobile phone, who must have been done after me but was obviously already in the armchair when I was still happily sleeping in the recovery room!
I heard her talking with the nurse for an extensive period about some strange thing: she was talking about books in charity shops and how unexpensive they were comparing to the ones in the shops and she went on and on about it! I thought that really, the anestesia must have been doing odd things to her brain a bit. Maybe she had forgotten to do her shaking.
I was full of questions, wanting to ask how it went. The nurse said they did a scan at the time and it was all ok, perfectly clear, and it went very well. She said she didn't have anymore information.

I was just sitting there drinking water for ages, and felt a bit pitty towards them as they kept asking me to try and go to the toilet to see. I thought that really, I should make an effort to go so to leave the space for other people in need. So I got up, trying to find the toilet, and then trying to close the door (a door which opens in and out, very confusing)
I had asked how much urine was I supposed to have for it to be good, and they said whatever, as long as I could.
I asked my bladder nicely...And some came out. I wondered if it had anestetic in it, and really didn't fancy drinking it. There wasn't much but enough to be a reasonnable pee.
I was relieved!

I came out and they said "very well done" and could I now dress up and go back to the TV room which I hadn't been to yet, and then a nurse would come and talk to me.
I already had some strange stretchy non cellulose knickers on with a pad that they had put after the operation. It is odd all this happens and the body or the mind has no remembrance of it.

I got dressed and the nurse had asked before for the number of the person who was picking me up, and they came nicely and said someone had called him already. How nice, I thought, to do that ratehr than leave me to awkwardly call myself, in the waiting room, with my mobile! Nice!

I went back to the sitting room with this really terribly annoying TV on, and saw the black girl that had arrived after me and was early, in a gown. I thought she must have had the operation since she entered the curtain space before me. I had a really strong desire of speaking to her. But she was holding her eyes, her mother not being with her, and looked away.
I changed sits so to be nearer to her, I just felt compelled to come closer. I pretended to look at the crappy magazines on the table about some organic fabric fair traded like C was telling me about the other day when I was blaming him for wearing Nike tshirts...Yes, I don't buy fairly traded organic fabric, yes, I will shut up. Thanks.

She eventually looked up and I asked her how she was.
She said "I haven't been yet...It's been such a long wait and I am so nervous..." I was surprised she hadn't been.
I told her what happened and how much it didn't hurt at all and how friendly they all were, and how quick it was, and how there were 11 people on the list. She said she saw all the other women go, one by one... I said more about my experience. She seemed happy to hear about it, and then told me about her choice and told me about her first children which were in fact twins.
And told me a bit more about her life. It was really nice to speak to her. She was so warm. She also spoke to spirits.

I said I wanted to speak to her as I entered but didn't dare...She thanked me for doing it because now she felt much better about it all and much less nervous. Still bothered about waiting so long though, it was 10.30am! I asked her if it wasn't difficult with the lack of water, she was it was, actually. By respect, I didn't get my bottle out to drink in front of her even though I was thirsty.
As we were speaking, someone called her name and she got up. She thanked me again and I wished her good luck. But she stayed up for a good 15 seconds, the man having gone (the one with teh gold shoes comment) and she sat down again. He came back and she went.
I wonder how it went for her. She was so nervous, but I hope she didn't have pain.

I was expecting to have a lot of pain (and had told her I had refused the painkillers and antibiotics) but actually had hardly any yet. And didn't get much pain during the day neither. Good job I wasn't given the pain killers! Sod that chemical stuff!

The nurse called me, eventually, when I was enjoying myself wondering if the older woman who wanted to run off earlier in her long coat had been discharged yet, and if the Muslim looking lady with the beautiful warm eyes was really there for the same reason.

She took me in her office and I think she was the one of the pills. She said again that all went very well and explained what was going to happen later. I made a point to say to her and other people about how friendly the team was and how good I felt about it all because of that.
She then said my blood and other tests were all clean and that I was to take antibiotics and severely told me to take 2 a day for a week or so. Then she gave me anotehr box...

She didn't give me extra pain killers. I asked her if my friend had really been called to collect me and she asked me to ring him to see if he was here. He was!

I left, collected by a caring friend who had been waiting for 5 minutes and had a cab ready downstairs. We went down. He didn't ask any questions.
He said he was very happy to see me.

I always wonder why are people happy to see me, I find myself so critial and miserable, so often... But back away the negative feelings about myself. Why should I doubt their happiness or joy?

Now all this happened, I felt more like I had a life again and I had hope to survive for the future. It had all gone so well, and I was relieved, hadn't realised how much this happening had tampered my moods and my anger had been stirred to this point...

It is strange to be loved. It is even stranger to feel it is not deserved and it cannot be reciprocated since love is to be expressed with indifference and critics.
So much to understand.


I hope I will be able to be the full potential of who I am, one day... And express love, feel it, understand it. Accept it.