Second email which I should (apologize) for

Dear M,

It is with fear that I come to write to you this morning, somehow I seem to believe that you are someone scary, I am not sure why, maybe because I have been wanting to talk to you for months and never dared, and a sort of energy has built up about you in my mind, which is now difficult to get over.

First, I want to apologize for my previous email which was not only very badly writen ( I was rather ashamed of myself when I read it again) but was also writen in a what could be interpretated as sligthly offensive in parts. To offend you is not what I wanted, I wanted to explain my problems and anxieties and view of what I perceive from the course.

I am and have been going through a very stressful time lately, whether it is personal life, family, work, and particularly the courses.
And I am snapping.
I can't carry it on, the stress from the homework is getting too much and if I stay in this situation, I will probably fail my december exam for the anatomy; and the cranial comprehension, whether I am granted qualification or not, will have been acquired with the feeling of failure, because I won't have been able to explore and study the way I wanted to when I engaged for this course.

Basically, I am very behind with everything. Behind with my anatomy homework, and very behind with the c-sal study.
I feel like a renegate and a very "rejectable" student, and will not manage to catch up in this situation, when I have the 2 courses running after me and I don't know where to start from. I thought I could do both courses at once when I first spoke to you but over-estimated my mental stability and strengh. And possibly also over-estimated my abilities.

I didn't see any way out from all this, except abandonning one or the other, which I don't want to do, particularly when they are both interesting. I had got to a point where I would just subconsciously make myself properly ill from the stress so I have to drop out of the cranial course, and would have a proper cause for it. The stress is just too great.

Someone who knows me well suggested a fourth option. (other than failing at both, being successful at both in an incomplete way, or abandonning one of them)
When he said it, I didn't know if was at all possible: rather than becoming ill, which I am well on the way of becoming, the option would be to interrupt the cranial course for a few months and catch it up with the next students where I have left it.
This was an idea which I hadn't thought of, but it seemed to make so much sense. It would give me time to calm down about the whole thing, and to start looking at the course with enjoyment rather than as a burden which is getting heavier with the days. It would give me time to put myself and focus entirely on what I really want to achieve and understand, the anatomy, and give time for research and allowing myself to be happy about it, as when I do it, I really enjoy it.
It would also give me time to start reading the books for the cranial course that I have not yet read, and was supposed to have finished by the seminar before last: like the Becke book which I hadn't read, the Sutherlan book which I haven't read neither, and to start reading again the Frankli's book which I haven't understood even though I nearly finished it, (it takes me centuries to go through as it is so difficult and tedious, even though some things are very interesting).
And I could also carry on your book, which I never managed to finish. Reading those books would allow me to feel part of the learning process again and not feel like I need to reject myself because I am behind.
It would give me time to reread all I have learned and done, all the photocopies you distributed and I have never read properly.

And it would give me time to go through the therapy I want to go through in order to get myself more balanced and stronger inside, to resolve my issue with the cranial group and to resolve this anger that I have towards myself and my own life.

But now, I do not know if this is something you would allow.

I know there are other people who do the 2 courses at once, and even have full-time employment at the same time, and you will tell me, manage very well. But I do not want to scamp the 2 courses and end up with a very weak knowledge from both, and start (or not) employment with the feeling of being an impostor, feeling that I have about the Reiki. I want to know I can stand on my own two feet.

I will leave it there, I have said all I needed to say, and again, sorry if I have offended you in my previous email. I am sure you have your share of stresses in life and if you can sort me on my side, it would be one less weight in the air.

Whatever you decide, I will go with, because you are the boss, anyway.

Speak to you some time soon, and thank you for reading this,

Claude

And....This reply. Courteous and very balanced. But...


15 July 2008 09:50

Dear Claude,
Thank you for your thoughtful email. Firstly, I must apologise that my reply is quite brief. I leave for the US early tommorow so have many things to prepare.
I was also thinking that it may be too much at this stage for you to be doing the practitioner training and the living anatomy together, and I feel quite open to you just concentrating on living anatomy for now and completing the practitioner training later. I agree that there is no point in making yourself ill over this! My sense is that it probably would be good for you to repeat the first five seminars on a future practitioner training course because you have fallen behind, but am happy to discuss this with you when we have the opportunity. You would not need to pay for the course all over again, but you would be asked to pay an admin fee (usually about £150) + the cost of any increase in course fees (the fees usually increase each year with inflation).
I return to the UK on August 7th and will be around for a couple of weeks before my next trip. Are you around at this time? If so, I suggest that we have a chat by phone to finalise what seems the best way forward. I will have intermittent email contact when away, so do feel free to get in contact.
Please be assured of my warmest support.
Best regards,
M.


I AM A BITCH. Why did I degrade myself like that? My first email was much more real and much more me. This one is a polished individual playing his own game using self depreciation. OH angry I am.