Can't do it cant do it Kant do it

Angoisse
Breath tightening
I feel weak, very weak
I just want to sleep
I would rather be dead than remember

*That*

I can't do it, I can't do it
I dread it with all the cells of my body
who yes, they dread it too.
I feel so weak and overwhelmed,
I turn around in circles.

I have eaten all I could,
scratched all I needed,
hung all I had to dry and now is left...

This terrible threat, this impossible task
that I cannot achieve because
I just can't.

Why Can't I?
because what I do is never right
because what I do is never good enough
because what I do is half of a heart and somehow it shows and brings me a low mark.
I was never good at it.
I was always average, getting away with it but not far from failing.
Others were always better.
So much better.
I don't know how they do it.

I turn around, lie down, sit up, lie down again
I am not comfortable, I have to do it
but I can't, oh, I feel so weak
I know there is a bright sun outside,
but I cannot go out since I am penitent
I am not allowed to go out till I have done it.

But, I can't do it! and I don't do it so I am stuck feeling guilty forever, trapped inside,
inside myself
I cry for the sun will only be there another 2 weeks, even less,
it's the English summer. Look, It is gone.
I have not had time to take advantage of the sun, of the summer, of life;
All I am allowed to do is work and earn my bread, show them I am worthy of them.
All day long, that is what I am supposed to do. Justify my own existence.

And when I am tired and happy to have worked like a maniac, I will be allowed to relax, but only 5 minutes, because there is some more work to be done!

But I am not earning... as I can't do it,
punishing myself forever never allowing myself to have joy,
I will have joy, I will laugh, I will be allowed to be happy,
once I will have done IT.

The thing is, once I will have done it, more to do will come to send me again to the corner, till I have done it, but I can't do it, so I better not do it or more will come

Forever abducted within, with this fear bigger than the Gherkin in town, that I cannot get over.
I know it won't be good enough.
I will proabbly get confused anyway, since I never understand and I am probably not clever enough to do this.
All my study is always above my level.
I have not had time to play. I was thrown straight away with the adults and told I wasn't doing it well enough.
That is what I remember.

Today, the sun has come back again, the machine is spinning, soon it will save me from starting it as I will be able to open it with care and duty and hang it all so it can dry...
Save me from the duty!

I would also do the hoovering if I allowed myself a bit of pleasure, but a clean bedroom is too much pleasure, for someone like me who hasn't done their homework, homework that I can't start.

I am petrified.
Breathing is very difficult.
My body's all collapsed.
Maybe I am having an attack and I will die so I won't have to do this... homework.

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And when I think about all the people dying of malnutrition in Africa because Nestle distributes them milk powder that makes them sick, I feel even more ashamed of myself and wish I was dead, even more dead.
But as I am not, then I will just feel guilt, that will help. A little bit of guilt on monday, a little bit of guilt on tuesday...a little bit of guilt for Africa
a little bit of guilt for me

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