yet another

day passing without
having closed the door
said what was in the mind of duvious importance
avoided and saved; though I wanted to say
I wanted to say

WHY?
Why 150 when only 60 at the college?
Why only talk monologue during that time rather than look at what was asked which needed help with?
Why was my will shrunk, inexistent, my energies pulled within into an oval and tight woolen ball?

Why is it that the God is always just human

Always something which I see could be better, but why would I and who am I to judge?

Scarcity, he proves me, is in our belief. He demonstrates that his is indeed inexistent. Why chose such a part of the Greater city to live with, in such knightsbridge surroundings, is it to please the ones he wants to work with, the ones with fame and/or money? To attract them there because "he is part of them" and maybe yes, he is?

Why talk about his others with sometimes, such cheek, just like LL used to do, sometimes even name dropping?

Why my bitterness as I fold myself down into 2, disappearing my essence, all which is left is my carapace ephemere of this constant trouble
He is much evolved, it is true, much more and I aspire to what I see in him; though... Can't I find my own?

I can see I will keep on being disappointed by those I see as so pure, though I know they would deny (and so should they) that purity they are labelled with; but always there will be something showing me "They are not god, they are still human and humans are full of mistakes or things that they could always improve, even the most holy ones".

Why this bitterness towards this which I know will be given back, those numbers which are only of human value, those twenties and ten and why do I feel like if I had yet again been stupid, put myself in an experience that is not as rewarding as the workshops, in which I was nearly silent... Tied inside myself only showing the awkward and primitive, unevolved.
He even had to tell me "You are allowed to smile" as I was being too serious (tired, fearful and doubtful of all light kingdoms) when all I wanted was lay on the floor and fall asleep whilst he would do some sounds around me to chase the amnesia...

Bitterness always, towards all those therapists and enlightened ones that are ever so ancient and pure, promise me with their eye their human unconditional souly love, yet still do those mistakes which I see as such and though should be so obviously avoided by the pure-of-mind?

Can't I forgive myself for not being perfect? I obviously can't forgive others (who are the potential of leadership) for it. I shall be so stern or rigid and unhappy about never being 'good enough'?

This session was still very useful; I feel like a piece of Mac Chicken afterwards (how I imagine such meat feels) and thougth so low of myself, it was fortunate I had a couple of warm texts from dearest friends that reminded me of a certain 'value' or strengh I have shown which others say they see and want to encourage.

Sometimes, I see my mind so dark that I feel way far beyond the possibility of being forgiven for all the dirt that my mind has ever thought of and let out in the ether. I am so ashamed of my mind. I could never be pure enough. If I had been a crossed ancient, I would definitely have flagelated out of the bodymind the impurities that soil its life.

Though, I have to move beyond this.
The criticism and lack of purity is only coming from my own judgement, judgement is personality and not soul, so it can be happily ignored. Pointless personality, though I was born with it and I have to make friends with it.

Why have I always felt so impure??? That even criminals are much more than I am?

Why the spleen and the fear? The family spleen believing that it is all about scarcity and suffering, so one should contract (and not have much immune system) in order to protect the very little that one owns?

The fear of loss and early decaying-illness of the body... It was felt in the spleen.

My brother.


21 days.
21 days.
21 days and it will change