A Rock and a Very Hard Place

A friend was having a mid life crisis the size of a red corvette with a hard top, or at least he described it as feeling that large. He had, over a few decades of scotch, steaks, bad tap water, more scotch and good old urinary ingenuity managed to develop an eight-millimeter kidney stone. A usually non-lethal (though you might wish it were more swift and deadly at times) affliction that occurs regularly, seems innocuous enough, even the source for jokes or a humorous essay until that is, it strikes you. Then the world stops, you’re on your knees, praying to whatever god you hold holy that you can get Doctor Kevorkian on the phone and convince him to come out of retirement NOW!!!.
Being a good pal I did a little research and discovered some amazing breakthroughs that could help with this awful misfortune.
Top medical scientists have found that some (read; real) men have less trouble with this problem than others. It’s said that sports great Wilt Chamberlain once expelled a kidney stone the size of a gearshift knob with little discomfort.
Phony athlete, Hulk Hogan is said to have fired off a rock the size and shape of a crushed beer can while driving. And we all remember when basketball star Dennis Rodman disgorged a stone during the Chicago Bulls regular season, which was mistakenly picked-up and passed around by several teammates before an alert referee stopped the game.
Obviously, the bigger the drainage system the easier the elimination of boulderous debris, the wider the canal the smoother the big barge flows, the bumble bee with the most honey always wears the biggest hat… but I digress.

So it seems part of the problem, as with the conveyance of any important cargo, is the size of the portal through which the valuable commodity moves. I receive countless (2,136) e-mail each day advising me of many helpful remedies, pills, lotions, ointments, salves, compresses, hand pumps, tonics, infusions, that promise, guarantee or otherwise insure that you can enhance your, let’s say, ‘standing in the community’ and most assuredly, never suffer again from the sort of trauma or humiliation associated with kidney stones or ice-cold, skinny dipping.
I can easily add any name to theses e-mail lists and guarantee that you’ll get a steady stream of friendly offers and constant reminders that could get you back in the flow of things in no time. And who knows, maybe, while you’re at it, you’ll meet women in your area, grow back lost hair, cash a check from Nigeria, buy a chinchilla, get free steak knives and make millions in the stock market!
Let me know which e-mail address you’d like me to use. I’m just so glad to help.