i need my own place again.
it's not that my living arrangements now aren't the worst, it's jsut that i feel suffocated and, quite frankly slightly emasculated because at the age of twenty, after having lived on my own for two years, i've been forced to come back home due to economic hoo-hah with the recession. and it sucks.
i miss my own space, i miss having a pantry where the cans are laid out how i like it, i miss having a workspace that wasn't an old kitchen table in the middle of our as-yet-completed kitchen, i miss my friends, i miss my freedom, i miss my old mess of a life.
but i wouldn't want it back for anything for a moment. things are better now, oh-so-much better than they could have ever been last fall, but man oh man, i miss my own place and my freedom.
really i just want to have a place of my own where bea can come over to edit and we can drink wine or beer or gin and tonics and relax and fall asleep.
i've got to get away from my parents before they convince me that photo isn't a viable career, i just need to be brave enough to stand up to them and they have to let me live my own life.
perfection is egg colored walls with old wooden floors and a malm
bed in medium brown and a small cozy kitchen where i can make curry and not a lot of money but not having to worry and waking up next to someone every morning and having the light hit her just right so it makes me smile and a black shiba named yuki and freelancing in photo and being dirt poor then making it (i hope) and staining the bathroom sink yellow from fixer and maybe kids one day in a house with dark old floors and egg colored walls and a steady photo job and not ever working myself to death in a nine to five ever. ever.
i wish i weren't so afraid to tell them what i want, and how the make me feel smothered and i guess i missed not being their shining star anymore when i really wasn't being their shining star and accidently let them all down but it's okay.
i want my simple life away from them and i want to do my own thing and i really do love them to death but i just want to do this to make me happy and, mom and dad i hope that's okay, alright? and please don't look down at me like i'm some sort of fuck-up, because really i'm not, i just want to do what makes me happy and what you think would make me happy and what really would are just ever so slightly misaligned by about a thousand miles.
they need to let go and i need to trust them again.