Close to you

Well, (why do I always start with ‘well’ when I want to blog?) here I am in a slightly strange mood. I seem too happy for reality – is that a good of bad thing? I don’t know.

Somehow I feel elated – I do not think I should – I have a lead on a job – but not a job – I have friends who are being amazingly supportive. But the central problem remains – I need more work and very quickly. I should be depressed – I am not !

I have also had photoblog block – could not think what to post. But now I am embarked on something and I have no idea how it will end.

I guess it was you saying this thing about closeness – mind you I am not sure what closeness is and maybe that’s the problem – people define closeness in different ways.

Because being close to someone is not in itself bad. Maybe being too close to someone (like some mothers and daughters) is bad – but then we get to what is too close and how do we define it?

I find closeness confusing, when I think about it I have never been ‘close’ to anyone I have had a real (emotional/sexual) relationship with. The people I have been closest too have always been friends – my current best friend being a grade one example. But there have been others – quite a few others and nearly always female…

Why is it I find it easy to become close to people who are just friends and yet real relationships – wives, lovers, etc – well it just does not happen.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, something that happened in my childhood, but the more I think about this the more I think that this great thing that I have sought for so long – a truly satisfying relationship, is much to do with my inability to get close to the very people I should be close to.

And maybe that’s why some people have this great relationship with each other – because they can operate on all levels with the same person. Maybe I can’t do that –I wonder ….

To be continued I suspect !