Reflections of my state of mind.

I wonder why things happen, moods take over and why insensitivity can reap such havoc?

Maybe life is at one of its crossroads again, maybe something is going to happen? Maybe not.

And why do I find it so difficult to express my feelings?

Do I want to wallow in misery? Sometimes I wonder if I have a need to feel sorry for myself .

And why oh why do I never meet anyone remotely my age who is the least bit interested in me?

Now I am hiding upstairs blogging when I don’t really want to do that either, but it avoids dealing with anything – so here I am – not ringing up and sorting things, not going downstairs and sorting things just escaping into the great wilderness of blog.
And even here I can’t do what Jen does and express so neatly how she feels, or Claude who pours her whole heart out. I cant – it stays bottled inside me, the thoughts I dare not write down, the reminiscences, the dreams even. But I did think of so much last night, and this morning. And yet now it is past – seems irrelevant, those thoughts that kept me awake.

And this morning started so well - a breath of loveliness – and now….
Difficult to deal with. But why am I worked up? is it really that? or is it deeper – the thought of insecurity, of loneliness, of my craving for friendship. On the whole it was a good weekend – well certainly not awful, maybe my expectations were too great, especially last night, why oh why do I never see people when I am out?

OK and getting to the point at last- why does my cheerful disposition upset people? It is not new this - and yet so often my outward expression and manner is a disguise - I may be feeling quite different within - yet I smile and appear happy....