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Day 20 Hard Times
2008.01.21
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I find grief to be a pain in the arse. The first two months after my brother died I was a complete puddle on the floor. Literally, I would suddenly drop to the floor with no warning and just start sobbing two or three times a day. This last month I have been doing much better—smiling again, seeing friends, starting to feel like it’s okay to feel alive even though he is dead.
Today, however, I feel pretty blue again. I think it’s because we are choosing the memorial scholarship recipients for my brother’s graduation ceremony on Friday and it’s bringing up painful memories. I wish I could just feel completely good about his graduation and handing out the scholarships, but there is a part of me that is so sad and angry that he won’t be there in person.
I also realize that life is not often easy or fair, and it’s always wise to make the best of a bad situation. I am hoping that the scholarship recipients that we choose feel pride in their accomplishments. I hope that pride will help carry them into the start of their college careers and a new life, and I hope that they use their potential and strengths to overcome the many obstacles that they are likely to face.
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Comments
That's a very good description of grief (a pain in the arse)! I hope you find things that help you heal. On the chance that it might help, I recommend the book, "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies".
Sorry that this grieving period is so rough on you. I remember the January after my Dad died I was a wreck everyday. Cried as soon as I woke up, all the way to work and pulled together enough at work then cried all the way home and most of every night. I just wanted the pain in my heart to just STOP hurting. The huge hole left by his death was overwhelming. If I let myself go there, I can still feel the sting of that pain and it is 28 years now. As time passes, you just get better at keeping it behind the locked doors of your mind. Allow your anger to be spent sooner rather then later, it won't help the lessening of the pain if you keep it in your heart.
