beacause i'm feeling frustrated

I was surfing TV channels last night, trying to find something decent to watch as I was transferring photos to my computer. I stopped at that Pussycat Dolls reality show, whatever it’s called, because there was a girl who was frustrated over the fights and the mean remarks and all the stupid ridiculous stuff going on and she was about to give up and go home. The woman who is the creator of the Pussycat Dolls or something like that went to talk to the girl and was saying how disappointed she was and telling the girl she was just letting herself down and asking her if she really wanted this, etc, etc.

I really, really hate it when people tell you that you “don’t really want it” if you “can’t take the heat.” I think that is absurd. Having a heart of stone or an emotional force-field around you doesn’t mean you want it more than someone else. It doesn’t make you a better artist, it definitely doesn’t mean you’re more talented. It just means it makes it easier for you to take the blows. Well, I should say that I really do admire (and whish I could be like) the people who can just let all of the bad experiences and all the negativity run off their backs and they are still good, happy, positive people. I’m thinking of those people who have turned really hard and emotionless and really are just a bunch of self-centered jerks. Success is not and should never be measured by how many emotional and personal blows you can withstand.

I love acting, more specifically I love being on stage. There is this really wonderful feeling that I get on opening night when you know that all of your hard work and the hard work of everyone else around you is about to come together. The lights, costumes, set, actors – everything that was worked on individually comes together to create another time, another place. Every time I go on stage I try my best to put myself aside and become that character and be in the time and space of that particular play/musical, creating a world for the audience in hopes that I can draw them in and make them all forget who and where they are for a while and lose themselves in the performance. This is why I act and why I love it so much. Yet trying to get to that point is what most actors hate doing, the "business of the business."

I’m just feeling a lot of frustration and disappointment and yes, a bit of a blow to my self-confidence. I’ve gone to more auditions in the last couple weeks than I usually do in a month. It actually was great that there were so many shows for me to audition for, I’m not complaining about that. Frustrating thing is that although I know I did a really good job at all the auditions (except for one) nothing has resulted in a job or even a call back. Sigh. When that happens there is always the small voice asking “why?” Was it because I was Asian? (Which is an enormous topic on it’s own and a reason by itself to make me seriously question if I should still be doing this.) Was I too tall, too short, did you not like my voice, my song, the monologue, bad outfit, were you having a bad day…? That’s actually a really bad trait for an actor to have, always wanting to know why. Well, it’s good for the acting process but it will drive you mad if you question why things didn’t work out and result in work. I unfortunately let this practically paralyze me most of the time. When you are constantly asking why you are also asking what you did wrong or what part of yourself wasn’t right. I saw a couple more audition notices and for a few days just stared at them wondering if I should even bother. I kept asking myself if I was good enough, would I pick the right song, the right monologue, are they open to casting an Asian actor and so on.

Well, I did finally got myself to set up audition times and turn my resume in today. I wonder how much longer I will be able to do this. Of course when you finally do get hired you say “forever!” but then the show closes and you are thrown out in the street again and you ask yourself for the hundredth time, “is this worth it?” I no longer have an answer to that.

Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent a little.