on my cold bed of shame, throwing myself around in the midst of moan and screams, i had another dream. it made me wake up with a catatonic serenity, a stillness in my heart making me doubt i had one at all.
i was in the cold of a frozen lake. slow but steadily sliding on the ice, my feet bound into skating shoes that i was unable to lift, my body straightened balancing on two stiffened legs, gliding away with no hook for the eye to hold on and break.
a relentless force pushed me towards the border where the ice ended and the unfrozen, black water awaited my splash. i did not know what propelled me, the ground was even and smooth, i looked around and saw nothing but endless ice, except for the direction i was destined to reach.
i heard myself counting, the numbers like seconds, to measure the distance and speed that i rolled, yet when i thought i'd reach the abyss and fall any moment, it was still enough time for another round of despair, as if some evil, unintelligent god had decided to make a laugh out of my fear.
and while i was gliding, speechless and confused, knowing my path and how it would end, i suddenly noticed what i had overlooked before, that in the ice there was a net of red lines, interconnected in regular spaces and forming patterns that seemed impossibly complex, and yet these lines seemed to mean something i could not decipher but which i knew would safe me from drowning at the end of my slide.
i awoke to a slush of foul water thrown into my face, before i fell, before i found meaning, before i despaired. if only i knew what this dream meant to me.