1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Friday fun: the Revenant 7-point guide to taking perfect pictures EVERY TIME!

All the criticism and suggestions with which I have peppered this site and the critique forum in the last two months lead me to believe that I am an absolutely fantastic photographer.

No, I’m just awesome, judging from the 10,654 comments received to date, many of which use this word. Actually, quite a lot of them referred to my ability to procreate , which means you also know how good I am at that, too.

Why aren’t you all as awesome as me? Well, some of you don’t have my natural modesty. What can I say? (Almost) nobody’s perfect. So what you really need is my patented 7-point guide to taking perfect pictures every time. Guaranteed or double your naff images refunded. And this is what you’re going to get now.

1. Photographic equipment
The most expensive camera around is only just good enough. Hasselblads in the $30,000 range are a steal. In the same way that expensive cars don’t have rear windscreen wipers, your camera should not feature anything as basic as a flash, light meter or lens. Perhaps it simply just doesn’t rain on rich people, but you must further compromise your children’s college fees by buying the most expensive lenses and accoutrements available.

The operating instructions should be only in German or Kanji.

2. IT equipment
In the same vein, the quad-core xenon mac G7 with more processing power than a Cray supercomputer is the bare minimum. You’ll have to buy other incidentals such as a keyboard, mouse, hyper-expensive monitor and a T4 internet connection. And Photoshop.

3. Other equipment
Single malt whisky, but a 1947 Armagnac will do at a pinch.

4. Literature
Everything wot all those genius, albeit semi-literate photographers ever wrote, to be learnt by heart.

5. Composition
The cost of your camera should include the services of two assistants for one year (board extra). If you went cheap on me, refer to step 4.

6. Lighting, exposure and depth of field
See Step 5 above

7. And finally...

Remember to take off the lens cap before pressing the shutter. The image above is provided as an example of what happens when you don’t.

I appreciate that some of you may not have the necessary commitment, so I’ll keep on offering temporary fixes until you see the error of your ways.

In the meantime, have a great weekend.
dreamie I love it. Actually, it's awesome ;) (kidding)
And so true. Thanks for making me laugh today!
dreamie · 2009-05-15: 08:02
dontblink I think the inside of your lense cap is a little out of focus in the shot above.
As soon as my Bailout money comes in I'll start with point 1. Until then have a great weekend too!
dontblink · 2009-05-15: 08:11
daisydavinci :-))
daisydavinci · 2009-05-15: 08:13
bedazzled Are you kidding me? First you make me dream about Greece and now comes Hasselblad, you are killing me man. Have a great weekend...
bedazzled · 2009-05-15: 08:21
busybee36 Another awesome shot of the solar eclipse.
busybee36 · 2009-05-15: 08:42
TIM927 so Hasseblad and removing lens cap,,, I wont say anything, i need to save even in words cos for removing lens cap I will paint a cross on my palm to remember ,,but for the camera,,,I need to save even my words ;)
TIM927 · 2009-05-15: 08:48
TIM927 may I add another point to your list?
8. when removing lens cap don´t hurry much in putting it back to its place, otherway only half of the image u want will arrive to your sensor,,, that´s what happened to me here :( be patient before covering your lense again,,,or you will maybe lose some essential details
TIM927 · 2009-05-15: 08:52
odradek As a lens cap picture, it's just perfect, never seen such a consistent black before. Thanks for your precious tips and have a great one :–)
odradek · 2009-05-15: 11:11
Lynda I have committed this sin a couple of times but then I am a dizzy blonde- well I was until I went to the hairdresser's today and had some copper low lights put in.
Lynda · 2009-05-15: 11:18
smbunation I don't know what you're talking about, the above image is fantastic.
smbunation · 2009-05-15: 11:57
pianoboe That made me laugh so much.
pianoboe · 2009-05-15: 12:00
eljapa sorry have to say that the composition could be better in this picture, remember the rule of thirds.... :-)
eljapa · 2009-05-15: 12:38
Riyaz Did you use a tripod for this? I have to try this one at home!LOL Have a great weekend, !
Riyaz · 2009-05-15: 12:54
susjustjake Now how could u say ur jealous of my flowers! This, my friend, is fantastic!
susjustjake · 2009-05-15: 14:55
????? God I'm embarrassed. I kept waiting for your picture to load!
????? · 2009-05-15: 15:18
joycephotography You are a card, have a good one.....
joycephotography · 2009-05-15: 18:22
dreadwear Awesome Bokeh! ;-)
dreadwear · 2009-05-15: 19:54
Jarvo · 2009-05-15: 20:56
Nellinka Absolutely perfect! =D

What if I don't want to take perfect photos all the time?..
Nellinka · 2009-05-16: 04:29
????? Haha good work :))
????? · 2009-05-16: 12:45
photopoet · 2009-05-16: 18:49
thebronzebow Who knew I was so woefully under prepared. Note to self: Must rob bank... or even better, liquor store.
thebronzebow · 2009-05-16: 20:08
coyoteself Judging by the perfect lighting of this one photo; you ARE an absolutely fantastic photographer. The rest is too much to read and comprehend for such a simple brain as mine
coyoteself · 2009-05-16: 20:36
Dragana you're funny
Dragana · 2009-05-17: 10:01
onlyricky hahaha :D
You're funny ^^
onlyricky · 2009-05-17: 11:49
Ryana This shot is crap, so you are not that good ... :o))
Ryana · 2009-05-17: 15:26
????? Waiting and waiting till the photo comes up but..... it is BIG fun !
Love the colour, by the way........:-))
????? · 2009-05-18: 01:23
kazshots ha ha. I will take these points on board and one day maybe, just maybe I might be as awesome as you.
kazshots · 2009-05-19: 12:23
twosome Super :) Good sarcastic points!
twosome · 2009-05-23: 06:33
MarMeer Tnxx a lot for the guide. Hope it makes it easier to me taking such photos with great color, composition and sharpness in it ;)

Amazing! :)))
MarMeer · 2009-06-07: 15:09
You must be logged in to comment!
Views: 1233
Category: Study
Tagged: revenant friday fun perfect pictures