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Friday fun: the Revenant 7-point guide to taking perfect pictures EVERY TIME!

2009.05.15

All the criticism and suggestions with which I have peppered this site and the critique forum in the last two months lead me to believe that I am an absolutely fantastic photographer.

No, I’m just awesome, judging from the 10,654 comments received to date, many of which use this word. Actually, quite a lot of them referred to my ability to procreate , which means you also know how good I am at that, too.

Why aren’t you all as awesome as me? Well, some of you don’t have my natural modesty. What can I say? (Almost) nobody’s perfect. So what you really need is my patented 7-point guide to taking perfect pictures every time. Guaranteed or double your naff images refunded. And this is what you’re going to get now.

1. Photographic equipment
The most expensive camera around is only just good enough. Hasselblads in the $30,000 range are a steal. In the same way that expensive cars don’t have rear windscreen wipers, your camera should not feature anything as basic as a flash, light meter or lens. Perhaps it simply just doesn’t rain on rich people, but you must further compromise your children’s college fees by buying the most expensive lenses and accoutrements available.

The operating instructions should be only in German or Kanji.

2. IT equipment
In the same vein, the quad-core xenon mac G7 with more processing power than a Cray supercomputer is the bare minimum. You’ll have to buy other incidentals such as a keyboard, mouse, hyper-expensive monitor and a T4 internet connection. And Photoshop.

3. Other equipment
Single malt whisky, but a 1947 Armagnac will do at a pinch.

4. Literature
Everything wot all those genius, albeit semi-literate photographers ever wrote, to be learnt by heart.

5. Composition
The cost of your camera should include the services of two assistants for one year (board extra). If you went cheap on me, refer to step 4.

6. Lighting, exposure and depth of field
See Step 5 above

7. And finally...
Remember to take off the lens cap before pressing the shutter. The image above is provided as an example of what happens when you don’t.

I appreciate that some of you may not have the necessary commitment, so I’ll keep on offering temporary fixes until you see the error of your ways.

In the meantime, have a great weekend.

I love it. Actually, it's awesome ;) (kidding)
And so true. Thanks for making me laugh today!

dreamie · 2009-05-15: 08:02

I think the inside of your lense cap is a little out of focus in the shot above.
As soon as my Bailout money comes in I'll start with point 1. Until then have a great weekend too!

dontblink · 2009-05-15: 08:11

:-))

daisydavinci · 2009-05-15: 08:13

Are you kidding me? First you make me dream about Greece and now comes Hasselblad, you are killing me man. Have a great weekend...

bedazzled · 2009-05-15: 08:21

Another awesome shot of the solar eclipse.

busybee36 · 2009-05-15: 08:42

so Hasseblad and removing lens cap,,, I wont say anything, i need to save even in words cos for removing lens cap I will paint a cross on my palm to remember ,,but for the camera,,,I need to save even my words ;)

TIM927 · 2009-05-15: 08:48

may I add another point to your list?
8. when removing lens cap don´t hurry much in putting it back to its place, otherway only half of the image u want will arrive to your sensor,,, that´s what happened to me here :( be patient before covering your lense again,,,or you will maybe lose some essential details

TIM927 · 2009-05-15: 08:52

As a lens cap picture, it's just perfect, never seen such a consistent black before. Thanks for your precious tips and have a great one :–)

odradek · 2009-05-15: 11:11

I have committed this sin a couple of times but then I am a dizzy blonde- well I was until I went to the hairdresser's today and had some copper low lights put in.

Lynda · 2009-05-15: 11:18

I don't know what you're talking about, the above image is fantastic.

smbunation · 2009-05-15: 11:57

That made me laugh so much.

pianoboe · 2009-05-15: 12:00

sorry have to say that the composition could be better in this picture, remember the rule of thirds.... :-)

eljapa · 2009-05-15: 12:38

Did you use a tripod for this? I have to try this one at home!LOL Have a great weekend, !

Riyaz · 2009-05-15: 12:54

Now how could u say ur jealous of my flowers! This, my friend, is fantastic!

susjustjake · 2009-05-15: 14:55

God I'm embarrassed. I kept waiting for your picture to load!

????? · 2009-05-15: 15:18

You are a card, have a good one.....

joycephotography · 2009-05-15: 18:22

Awesome Bokeh! ;-)

dreadwear · 2009-05-15: 19:54

Ha ha, you've hit a nerve there Stéfan. If I had £1 for every time I've deluded myself that the one thing standing between me and a great shot is another piece of equipment I'd have enough for that Hasselblad now. And as for having a couple of personal assistants, it is a dream of mine not to have just two but to have a whole army of people like Gregory Crewdson.

But, we shouldn't forget, it's not just wannabe photographers that get caught up in all this nonsense. As for your expensive = basic, I remember a friend of mine who was a very keen record collector being so proud of his new record deck. "It's a Riga Planar" he told me, "It's got a glass turntable so that it cannot warp, and there are no automatic controls on it that could distort the sound". "So how do you change the speed then?" I asked. "You lift up the deck and manually move the position of the belt drive". Within a month his stereo became an LPs only zone, his lovingly-collected singles had all been consigned to the loft never to be played again. Still, they would have sounded great if ever he decided that he wanted to hear them.

Have a great weekend Stéfan and don’t drink anything I wouldn’t. Before I go let me tell you the secret to the very best lens cap shots: You need to have as many extension tubes as possible between box and glass so that you can really focus in close.

Jarvo · 2009-05-15: 20:56

Absolutely perfect! =D

What if I don't want to take perfect photos all the time?..

Nellinka · 2009-05-16: 04:29

Haha good work :))

????? · 2009-05-16: 12:45

Your photo may be a milestone in an interpretive visual insight into the existential condition of all visual stimuli. I am struck by the profound clarity of the photograph and the accompanying message encoded in the image. We cannot, I hear you, capture the essence of anything. To do so means the negation of its reality—a rigid death in black and white or colour. I applaud your bravery, your willingness to stand alone.

P.S. I've glued my lens cap on and intend to emulate your work.

photopoet · 2009-05-16: 18:49

Who knew I was so woefully under prepared. Note to self: Must rob bank... or even better, liquor store.

thebronzebow · 2009-05-16: 20:08

Judging by the perfect lighting of this one photo; you ARE an absolutely fantastic photographer. The rest is too much to read and comprehend for such a simple brain as mine

coyoteself · 2009-05-16: 20:36