Friday fun: the Revenant 7-point guide to taking perfect pictures EVERY TIME!
All the criticism and suggestions with which I have peppered this site and the critique forum in the last two months lead me to believe that I am an absolutely fantastic photographer.
No, I’m just awesome, judging from the 10,654 comments received to date, many of which use this word. Actually, quite a lot of them referred to my ability to procreate , which means you also know how good I am at that, too.
Why aren’t you all as awesome as me? Well, some of you don’t have my natural modesty. What can I say? (Almost) nobody’s perfect. So what you really need is my patented 7-point guide to taking perfect pictures every time. Guaranteed or double your naff images refunded. And this is what you’re going to get now.
1. Photographic equipment
The most expensive camera around is only just good enough. Hasselblads in the $30,000 range are a steal. In the same way that expensive cars don’t have rear windscreen wipers, your camera should not feature anything as basic as a flash, light meter or lens. Perhaps it simply just doesn’t rain on rich people, but you must further compromise your children’s college fees by buying the most expensive lenses and accoutrements available.
The operating instructions should be only in German or Kanji.
2. IT equipment
In the same vein, the quad-core xenon mac G7 with more processing power than a Cray supercomputer is the bare minimum. You’ll have to buy other incidentals such as a keyboard, mouse, hyper-expensive monitor and a T4 internet connection. And Photoshop.
3. Other equipment
Single malt whisky, but a 1947 Armagnac will do at a pinch.
Everything wot all those genius, albeit semi-literate photographers ever wrote, to be learnt by heart.
The cost of your camera should include the services of two assistants for one year (board extra). If you went cheap on me, refer to step 4.
6. Lighting, exposure and depth of field
See Step 5 above
7. And finally...
Remember to take off the lens cap before pressing the shutter. The image above is provided as an example of what happens when you don’t.
I appreciate that some of you may not have the necessary commitment, so I’ll keep on offering temporary fixes until you see the error of your ways.
In the meantime, have a great weekend.