As soon as I had graduated high school, I knew I was done with the town of Almont. After all, this town is responsible for holding some of the meanest people and by far the worst memories I can recall. Getting out of this place was essential for me. I needed to go far far away. So I did just that. I became a new person when I arrived at Kent State. I went by the name a former friend of mine had given to me, aj. I started to talk to new people and break out of my shy shell that I had been trapped in my whole life.
Kent saved me and molded me into who I am, so coming home for the summer was a very odd thing for me to do. At first it was great. I got to see family I had missed and spent endless hours playing fetch with my dogs. But once the reality of home set in, it became less of a vacation.
I saw some of my high school friends, 3 to be exact. Though it might be more like 2 now. Possibly one — yeah that's you Lexi (stuck with me since kindergarten, I'm not letting you go). But when you take one step forward, there's always something trying to pull you 12 steps back. I miss my family. Not my family family, but my family from Kent. I no longer have anyone to talk to every day about the most silly things. I can't just run up to the store to grab some chocolate milk, honey, and ice cream at ridiculous hours of the night. I can't just truly laugh anymore. And that's when it set in. The depression was back.
It came with great timing too, just before my FOURTH knee surgery. Now one might think that if I have had 3 of these things already, I know what to expect and they don't bother me anymore. But one would be far from wrong. The truth of the matter is that these knee surgeries take a huge toll on my body and mind. The drugs make me sleepy and unwilling to move and my body decides to lose the muscle I have been working towards for the last month and a half. All of my hard work goes spiraling down the drain as I am bed ridden.
I will not lie, it was a hard couple of days, and it still is, but it has gotten better day by day. Though I am constantly reminded of the things I can NOT do, I need to remember the things I can. I can still write and play music, make art, and of course cook some yummy and healthy food. I can still offer up my love to the world and hope that mother nature sends some back my way.
Every day is a blessing, even if the blessing is not very clear. God has put me right where He wants me. With Him watching over me, I can put an end to my bottomless days of sorrow. For I am loved, even on my darkest days — so are you.