by Alexandra Pechabaden July. 31, 2017 625 views

Selfish, narcissistic, and self-absorbed. What a mix for a human being!

All right, perhaps not selfish, not all the time. I think I have met selfish, but then again I am not sure because whom am I to judge. "selfish" would be a judgement, just like narcissistic is. Self-absorbed is just a neutral statement , or so it seems.

I have caught myself being selfish. It feels odd as I didn't feel I was doing it at the time. I was only following a repeated behaviour, so much that I had to apologise later about having behaved in that way. I do not want to stop others following their paths, on the opposite, when caring for someone, one should know how to let the other go so they can fly. Which bird ever looks at its nestlings, and tells them: "No, you lot stay in there, you look so cute, I don't want you to grow up nor fly, I am back off to Africa so you will probably starve to death or be eaten by something but please don't fly, don't leave me....I want you all for myself, you are not allowed to be yourself, only through me".

Well, I don't know how many birds say that to their offsprings. I have never seen a chicken do that. So why do us human do this? Why are we so scared of losing the other? SHouldn't we simply be happy because they have flown, and are finding their happiness, away from home? Or at least, that they may have found a semblant of balance.

Like what's her name says in her song... "Pars, mais surtout ne te retourne pas, Pars, fais ce que tu dois faire, sans moi, quoiqu'il arrive, je serai toujours avec toi, Pars, et surtout, reviens-moi! "
Grace Jones. It translates as "Go, but whatever you do don't look back, go, do what you have to do, without me, whatever happens, I will always be with you, Go, but most of all, come back to me!"

This song has always been in my mind. I guess I found it hard to accept and behave in her way, but as I grow with time, I realise there is just no other way, for inner peace, and for true care for someone. For them, as well as for me.

And I didn't. I started whining. Without realising that by doing that, I was putting chains at her feet, It took me 15 minutes to realise... I was damaging her.
Yes, I would cry when she would go, again. Isn't that for me to deal with, inside? Why need to share it? So she knows I care? There are other ways to show my care, other than whining. I can prepare myself, cry all I want in advance, and it is what I used to prepare myself to let go of some people who left. Prepare within, let the pain go, in advance. In case it happened, and when it happened, it was less painful (well, sometimes. Sometimes it just felt like wasting time, I might as well have had a good time instead, it would have been more use)

So...I don't know what is best. Maybe a small amount of feeling sadness in advance is useful - of letting tears go if they want. But...It will not bring back the present moment, spent thinking about the future which hasn't happened yet (aren't I clever, yes, I read it in several books!!!) and in the present moment can be a lot of joy.

Oh, and of course, in the present moment, I could also spend some nice, very nice time looking at my belly button. What a waste of time, doing anything else but admiring my own life. (ahem)

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