If we were light
No ego behaviour would come through
If we were light,
We would not be attached to our bodies
If we wanted, we could leave
We could choose when to die,
in the instant when comes the evidence
of the corruption of the Human race,
when people do the worst they can ever do....pffft
If we were light,
There would be no more violence in the world.
A child being abused could choose to leave his body dead,
A grand-mother being beaten by a gang of youth in baseball caps
Would just become a white, decaying body in her chosen second
Every martyred person, every too angelic person, could choose to go...
There would be no need for violence. We would want to enjoy each other in case the person just chose to die after an argument!
If we were light,
There would be no need to agress anyone, any longer
There would be no gain in owning everything,
Every £189 billions Yacht, every watercourse in Africa
People could choose to die, so they would leave anyway
O Earth, O Life, please please help us to Change our Human Condition.
Help me CHANGE and become the master of my ego
and encourage it to learn maths from scratch
Learn Mandarin, Learn Russian, Learn Arabic.
Learn it all, it's what the ego's good for.
Egos aren't good enough to act on our behalf! It is way too damaged for that.
See all the rubbish your ego blathers every day?
Never mind the gossipy unhappy thoughts about other people which you have at least once every hour of the day (it doesn't learn itself, you have to put work into it, don't you) , it is those thoughts about yourself
Those thoughts of terminating your life through a short suffering
Unless you miss yourself and you end up worse-off in a wheelchair
Those thoughts of unworthiness, of punishment, self punishment,
self hatred... This is the Ego, and we want that to rule our lives?
I am the first one to be an ego-obsessed person. How often in my life have I met people who don't seem to think half like I do, so simple, they just want to have a good time, if they suffer it's shit, but Life is about enjoying, no?
So, that poor victim of my jugdejudymental ego, (which itself, is absolutely horrid, I can tell you that), is someone who is going to suffer, in my head.
I am going to have so many negative thoughts about that person, that my day will be spoiled, my body will experience prolonged stress and give me my inflated hands back, I will start thinking I am such a horrible person for having such horrible thoughts about others (without harming them physically in my mind - I cannot do that, I hope I never am inclined that way either) and in fact I don't deserve any happiness because I am so SO horrible, and arrogant, and snobby, and whatever crappy trait I am. Vouiala. If I don't deserve happiness, I deserve just to suffer, and I don't deserve to feed myself well because "I haven't got time for you, my dear"," you don't deserve loving, look how horrid you are" in all goes in a circle of absolute darkness which makes one want to be ran-over by a bus, preferably in the next 3 days. What a horrible ego-thought.
Egos, egos we protect, egos that take our lives out and spread out fear, egos that make us see enemies in other people (yes, my ego has done that too) egos that want want, only to show their neighbour how much more clever than them, they are, because they own half the village. EGOS???!! who are WE?
Surely people, we have to stop with the egos. We can't carry on. I can't carry on like this. I is going to lose one if my body doesn't die before I have managed to take location back in this body, though as I don't know who "I", that voice who speaks, is, I can't quite let go enough to let her in.
I am ego after all, there to protect my gains, make sure I get to world celebrity status and own 3 of those yatchs mentioned above (I am so interested I can't even spell it), I, want recognition for who I am! I want to be celebrated too, like they were over here, like they were over there, like you have been, like they have been, it seems that everyone but my mother and I has been celebrated somehow or had extra power onto someone else which they held under their thumb.
My mother is no victim, she chose the wise way. The way of the Angels. Never to argue. Always reply gently but firmly. Always care for others. Always do things for them. Always to accept your fate, with love, and courage, because you are a good (Christian )and Providence guides you, it does, and it shows you all the beauty in this world that you are able to see - it just doesn't allow you to stand up for yourself.
My mother was a saint. I can't be any further from her truth.
Yes, wanting to be celebrated... Which human being doesn't want that?
Egos, see? They are full of problems, full of unresolved mental issues with whom we grew up with (if you are like me and retain it all like a sponge and then have no room for anything else to enter) or whom we live with, whom we work with... Ego is so cracked up full, no wonder the human race is in a state. The Earth with it.
However, when we grow older and realise how much beauty in the world there is, if we were that Light in us (or a large part of it at least) how much quicker we could evolve into wisdom, kindness, peace, quietness and vitality? How much work we could do on ourselves and our close ones, forgive, embrace, cry, laugh, and have a good eat/drink/fag, whatever you like, with someone we used to hate but don't even need to loathe any longer because actually, they are quite fine? Just as they are?
Since forever I can remember, I wanted to change who I was. I was already aware at about 6-7 that I was separate from the voice I spoke with. I knew I could be vibrant, extroverted, joyful. I don't remember that side coming out very often at all, but a shy, reserved, timid side that thought too much and tried to avoid people as much as she could. Refuge in books. Hide away.
Like most teenagers, quite trapped in an inner shell they don't know how to get out of, in order to become an adult they have to crack that, and I wonder perhaps is it at that point when the adult ego-interface gets securely attached to that person's body? and we become "who we are" unless we had a huge shock or trip that changed us to a lighter self?
From that young point, I was so aware of suffering in my head, learning to hate other people who rejected me, you know, all that sort of sibling/peer trauma a child gets up to. I was not able to be part of them, my inner separation was too strong and held me back into a tight bag.
I knew I was not THIS but I just couldn't come out of who I was forced internally to act like and to be like; only extremely strong emotions, like focussing obsessively on one person with an absolute adoration to follow us a life-time, (Chacha has wan) or falling in love (again) or, dancing on a night-club floor and not caring if anyone is admiring us or not.. Or, a time in therapy, where, after tears, a truer, more beautiful self emerges from our blessed waters, for a while true beauty sets in. (till the next day,when it buggers off and leaves me with my ol'bloody ego again) . Or, some of the fantastic, rare times in Nature when connection happens...
Why this dissociation if I was not meant to do something with it? Some of you will read that and think "Pills". That is one of my ideas of suffering - to not be believed, or tried to be understood but judging before any effort in using BRAIN and doing like we learn in philosophy, to interpret the deepest untold emotions the writer is putting in his formal words, and the end becomes like an unveilled secret. Possibly of no importance to you whatsoever. Other than having solved it.
However, a dissociation can be used for the better, and there are many of us who are dissociated, able to watch ourselves (therefore being paranoid that everybody is looking at us like we are looking at ourselves) we can hopefully move on whilst helping each other to do so, through a gentle yet powerful dialogue where both egos are aware that they are egos indeed, yet they try to let the "wise voice" in the head to speak out and encourage and confirm to the other person that they are in a mode where they are stepped back but fully present in ego and that they are speaking to their (the other person's) ego but also to their kind reason too.
So we can have proper reasonnable talks about our ego's angers, and horrid thoughts.
As I was saying to you earlier but got interrupted, is that those "simple people who don't even think half like I do* and I used to look down upon because they couldn't play at "anxiety" like I did; well, they are hollier than me in a sense that they can't really evolve upwards because that's who they are. They cannot contain certain knowledge - they just love having fun! As long as they don't harm anyone, that's cool! We need the people who can encourage to dance at the party!
I feel a bit like I have the world's on my shoulders... I always felt that way, so maybe it is time to stand up and let go of hte weight.
* My friend B told me once "Thinking is not your friend". I got deeply offended. How dared he! LAtely, his edited sentence says "Nobody's thinking is THEIR own friend". He seems very wise to me. I understand, so if I am so not-good at thinking why can't I be good at unthinking and getting out of those ropes in my head? I believe I am my ego (still) but I still have that voice monitoring, encouraging me gently, voice which, if I had been given the choice, I would have chosen to take place in me. I got given that very challenging ego - instead of something sensible! Children, don't believe adults, they haven't got a clue about being humans. They know about control, blame, judgement, imposition of will upon others, criticism, and sometimes they love. Ah, when they love...
Ego, got lost behind. It hurts so much physically to try and go against the ego. Does it, you ? I don't have enough physical energy to do it, still. It still governs me, tells me all the victim thoughts it loves to think about, whispers me hatred and fearful thoughts, of war, of penury, of violence... It loves to make me suffer, and surely manages.
Only through expression - of some sort - I think I will be able to get out of this. I have tried for so so many years now, deleted most of my old blog through it.
I want to not want, I want just to want to be, and then, just, be.
(The rest will fall into place.)
Ah, society.... do you think... you and I ... could move on?
Communicate from a safer platform?
Express to each other, recognise it is ego, yes, but still acknowledge what is happening is happening and does your perception tell you if it is true or not, truly? Is it so hard to face our demons, by looking at them under a microscope, and giving them a name? then shaking hands and saying "Well Done, Professor so and so, Well Done".
It's what adults try to do, to work with their reason, but I am an adult, and I haven't got there at all. The other adults say they speak with their reason too, it's not their reason at all, it's their egos. If it was their reason they would never be angry ever. (unless they're pretending to be saintly and they can't as they are human)
My "reason", or "kind voice" is not who governs me, my ego is whom you speak to when I am in an everyday state. To see me egomumified takes a lot of doing. I don't even know if I can ever get through as to who I am. I don't know whom I am supposed to be.
I, the ego, is a trickster. It is trying to appear to be a better , yet worse person than I am. I am pretending to be generous, yet am extremely avare with myself. I don't give myself anything.
I am trying to appear friendly. Do I manage? I am not sure, I often wonder if I give off vibes of "I hate everyone in the world "? I don't really, I just feel slightly embarrassed or rejected so I close inwards.
I try to appear outgoing: I am not. I am there s****g myself, thinking to myself, am I talking too low, too loud, not articulating enough, have I postille on their chin by talking with too much excitement, are they bored, are they interested, do they really want to know".... All that inner dialogue is going on. No wonder I find it difficult to find my words. I am rather unsure of you wanting to hear me or what I have to say. Because it's always ego thought and it's always wrong . (oooohhhhhh, insecure ego..... )
What else do I try to do? I try to appear tough as in "I don't care about him or her" when I am inside myself, dreading what they are thinking of me, if they ever think about me at all because if they are anything like me, they will have thought about me at least once a day, once every few days if they are someone I don't see very often) so why shouldn't I be scared of what they think of me? And since my ego is an impossible and messy piece of work... oh I absolutely hate my ego; but that's itself hating itself, because anything else wanting to govern doesn't have hatred thoughts...(I believe it wouldn't or all the enlightened people would commit suicide)
Oh, if I could dissociate from being human, and be an alien, for the rest of my life, living in my body, instead of me, so the ego could be used at last for good... To rest, and be able to love oneself...
From today, I will be an alien. Don't ask me the colour, it has 3 legs and a donkey's tail. No, it's not a kangoorrooooooo
ps I better post that and bugger off as I have eaten NOTHING except a few nuts and fruit since... last night.
PPS please don't read my blog, bugger off please, because I am too scared of what you think of me because I am still ego. I wrote that for self-help with the possibility that my outer voice could read it and give me some tips. (says ego)
Wait a minute... The part of me who posted this blog is not scared of what anyone thinks, it is doing it out of integrity for itself, and knows the ego is not IT.
It knows itself. It knows at some point, the frosty glass with thaw.
That day, it hopes, will be quite a while before Transformation.
By Transformation, I mean, Death.
I would so much love to love who I am... not narcissically nor selfishly without sharing. Just be content, kind , considerate, as if I was looking after a child... inside. Like C said.