The photo has nothing to do with the subject. I am on my old laptop and it hasn't got any new pictures on it so they go round and round.
A friend talked to me about their addiction to self-harm. I wanted to talk about it on here to see if any new ideas would come up about it, or any understanding.
It is a strange thing that some humans dislike their own lives or themselves so much that they will self-harm. I am not talking about blatant self-harm, like cutting your wrists and trying to commit suicide but knowing inside all you truly want is help; (for the ones who don't just finish their lives like that and don't really do it to end it all, but just do it because they are hurting so much inside) .
I am talking about the more subtle self-harm, from the person nobody would ever guess they had any fibre in their body with that disrupted note singing out of tune.
This friend explained their behaviour, it takes the shape of self-neglect and other ways; also subconscious harm like knocking themselves in places that are already damaged, like the extremities, again and again, and when it happens, they have realised they are harming themselves out of "I don't care about what happens to me, I have to get this or that, done". There are lots of subtle ways to self harm which do not look like it.
I haven't really got time to elaborate much about it today, but it really came to my attention that they know they are harming themselves, but they are powerless in doing anything about it. Now, not nurturing yourself so you could die quicker from over-work and lack of sleep is quite a difficult place to be.
I asked them: "Why? Why do you do this to yourself?" and the answer was "I don't deserve to be alive, consume all this food, make the world a more plastic-covered land, I don't deserve to be happy, look at all this unhappiness around us, the earth's state, what humans do to each other and the land and animals, what is the point to life anyway, what good am I doing in the world, am I helping others, or helping the earth? No. I am utterly 'useless'. "
The answer goes on and on. Once they start on it, there is no stopping them. The sadness comes in their lack of ability to do anything about that mental state. It is as if they don't matter to themselves any more. They want to die, quickly and soonish, before the diseases set in, but they don't want to be desperate about it, it will come soon enough from that lack of self-care.
I didn't know what to say to them. All the praise of their person and their good-doing is like water on the fish's back. (except the fish quite likes water). All this saying "You are a good person, look at you, you aren't ugly and even if you were it's not the most important thing, is it" .
However much I would say encouraging words, however much I care for them and tell them I do, I also feel powerless in front of them, like they feel powerless towards themselves.
It feels like part of them has atrophied , shrunk; like the water of "love" cannot even reach in there. Is it a physical condition? Is there anything physical to blame, like hormones, or the lack of dopamine or pre-hormones?
Why are they feeling so low in their worth? Why no love towards themselves?
It must be hard when we self-destruct and we are aware of it, yet we cannot , truly cannot, stop it when it happens. When that "thing " inside pushes us to reach for what will harm us.
There isn't even a problem with alcohol nor drugs with them, nor any vasts amounts of sugar or fast-food binging. None of that which would hasten death. You think if they wanted to die, they would go and do something like that, or take smoking cigarettes up. Or drive cars really really fast. There is no real desire to die, just that mental conscious shrinkage of the area where self-nurturing and self-love is to make happen the wonders of life. The adventure, explorations, communications, discoveries. That's not there, or if it is, it is so temporary that by the time they have enjoyed it, they have gone back into the misery state they were before.
If this is your case, if parts of you are harming you, try asking yourself "Why".
I asked that friend, and they have no idea. I guess some of it is what they call "depression" . Prozac won't really help; just be another pill with side-effects and no healing, no confronting what the cause of this all is..
All I can do, is light a candle for them and all the people out there, who hurt so much in themselves that they are harming themselves in really subtle ways to make sure their lives are a continuous semi-conscious suffering. Even if they can't ask for help or others don't realise how much they are hurting inside.... because they don't want to be at charge of others nor be a weight on them. Those are the ones I am thinking about today. It could be you.
Courage, you. There is goodness in there, and balance. It may be a mud pond, but let me breathe for you, if you cannot do it right now, but if you can, think about a gentle breath, through your nose. Imagine all that air coming into your sinuses, producing nitric oxide gas, which in turn helps around the body with immunity and the likes (breathing through the mouth doesn't allow nitric oxide to be produced, I learned that lately with the Buteiko breathing method, fascinating stuff!).
A gentle, light breath of life, full of hope...the sky will go blue once again.
Courage. Death will come soon enough.