I dream, like you do, to express. Feel my voice is heard, attention is apparently the biggest gift you can give me, and l can give you. True attention. Not the one you and l give whilst really thinking about what we are cooking for diner later or which film we are going to watch, not that we would do that sort of thing, being enlightened, you know...
We all wonder about our lives, what is our purpose, why is life so amazing to live, why should we be here, etc. Can l tell you about my wonder?
The point of a blog is to remain unread, by most people but myself. I write, so l can imagine l am someone else who would read me, and by being detached it would help me understand the situation.
l am quite safe here nowadays, on Photoblog, nobody much will read this: except you. We all know now, thanks to Serge Marquis, that none of us have time to read the content on the internet. I have not, that is for sure, even though l have the will . l doubt anyone else has time either, and will.
Sometimes l write in a folie way thinking someone may be chanelling this in a futuristic communicative, way. You know, did you ever have the fantasy feeling of being constantly watched whilst you were growing up? Like in some of the films which have been done, groundhog day and all those.
You can call it delusion, call it what you want, it is nonetheless real, this feeling, and it is what led me to wanting to be on stage for some of my life. Somehow l thought l had something to show or give to people by the expression of body, voice, and intentions. Other times, it came out through words.
Today, let's call a pig, a pig.
The facts. I have a female body of 42. A chocolate business which l mostly love. A few, like a lot of us have at the moment, very hypochondriac thoughts. I have no children.
At the moment, l contemplated my life in a dream like a lot of us do, and wondered, what is my purpose. Do l have one?
I have a chocolate business which of late has sworned me under orders l have not managed to fulfil yet because l have been so overwhelmed by the importance of creating a good impression to a lot of unknown clients. So, l give things away because l like to receive free things. I like to do and make what they want. It takes a long time. I am late yet totally frozen with panic.
l have an issue with food. I cannot find time within the work to nurish myself and take breaks. My health, only medium good, has water retention, knees are swelling, fibroid is bigger than ever. All making me think...can l make all this happen? Where am l going? Why do l so badly want success, financial stability, because it will give me, maybe, another 30 years of cushi life? What do l truly want? What if l was to die tomorrow, would those aims change into something more real?
This lockdown business, the people l have seen with their masks , in Waitrose, sainsburys, Co op in Knighton... some of those faces scared me, they looked so angry! Why are we so scared of dying? Because we haven't been everywhere, tasted every food we wanted to taste, done every activity we always dreamed of doing? We want to preserve our lives for how long? We are not ready to leave the Earth because we believe in nothing, after it? When will we say 'it is time for me to go, now' ?
I hope l do but only the creator of this consciousness knows when my time is. Should l stop living because the virus is about, my lungs felt funny since January, and l could be vulnerable to it because l don't eat enough and won't have enough immunity, my body is weak and l am as always, quite stressed (for not very much?) ?
It takes me back to...does it matter if l leave, if l was to die? Would l leave anything behind? Yes, lots of mess, lots of papers, lots of writings that l spent so long writing to release myself from inner tensions. I haven't even written a will. Can l look death in the eye? Life has been so wonderful of late, truly so, yet l have been so tired with all the work l have felt unable to cope. Must l compromise on looks, on what makes me happy, and sell sell sell and automatise? Why would l want to live a life for the only aim to gain, gather, because l am what l own, l am what l have achieved, and l am only if l have worth to your eyes?
Why this race for money, this race for gathering enough, more , more than just for bills, to buy a pint or two in a tin now the pub is shut, why racing racing humans are we??? What are we running for? Are we running because we are scared the planet will get rid of us any minute now? Fight or flight, means anything?
If l was an exterrestrial l wouldn't understand why humans live like that, nor l would understand why Claude aka Alexandra , this person l happen to live within, does the things she does. Why choose to do all this extra work? Why be controlled by her business, at the loss of her own youth? To show the past 'she has done it, she has made it happen for all her dead peers to notice her not'?
if the aim to be alive is to show what a martyr to myself l was, well done, l have done it. Congrats and all that. lt has been a pleasure to get to know me, and lovely things have happened. l have liked my life. l wish l could tidy up before l went, that would be my only regret. l am still alive. l still have time. With myself, connecting to things that make me breathe with happiness, wellbeing, and faith.
What do you really want from life? What is your most joy? What is the part of you "that never dies" and that is the part of you you truly are! Not your decomposing years old body! Who are you? Who am l? Sometimes l can't wait to be dead to find out, but it will be too late then, and as l haven't got psychic abilities now, l doubt l will have some in the other world to come back and tell you.
By the way, just so you know, my mind was like that before the flu virus... It is a work in progress, thanks to Lee a bit better, but...frankly, why are we alive? Can l go before my body decomposes and cannot do anything? Or do l need to start putting the prices up? up up up? Bloody money and bloody greed.
It will come soon enough...