l cannot differenciate between the thougths that are born and "pullule" in what is my conscious mind, and who l really am. ( bacteria "pullule", they run about on top of each other on a crowded suface )
I am not sure who l am. Aren't l my thoughts? Or, am l my past? Am l my "suffering"? Am l my "joy"? Am l all of it?Am l NONE of it? Am l just an Instant?
l know l have a female body, a certain physical "look" which changes over time, and l was born apparently French. (According to myHeritage.com l am only 33% Western European which sort of means French as well as Germanic etc. .. l have to face the 23% Italian and the 28% Spanish, or maybe just need to contact them to ask for my money back - there are no Italians in the family )
Who knows who my physical body is from and is.
l am a product, a living creature of the Earth. This body belong to the Earth. The conscious mind however, does it belong to this body or to above/elsewhere? l am still debating to see which l want to believe.
What about the subconscious? My belief is it is held within the body and "returns to the earth" with the body's cadavre.
By Subconscious l call the mind that dreams in sleep and holds onto past hurt by shuving them away to avoid the body's mind to be traumatised by its history.
Those beliefs about who l "may" be, help me to face death, to accept l am not my horrible bad points, and of course those beliefs will seem wrong to other people with other beliefs, which is fine, however "believing" doesn't entirely help me right now. It is one thing to know l have a conscious mind which actually can partake in the thoughts and the way "I" is feeling, but another to be able to act on it when l have no energy to spare. The conscious mind is so full of negative thoughts sometimes, it just wishes onto dark things to happen.
Those dark thoughts cause a lot of inner suffering which is also one of the beliefs, unfortunately seemingly un-uprootable, of being such a lesser person that my whole life must be dedicated to as much suffering inside as l can so l am deserving of the Kingdom of God and paradise when l die. In the meantime, l am to give all the love l can find in myself and energy to other people or to a business as l don't have children to give it to (but not give it to myself as that is selfish).
Interesting to watch the thoughts.
l wouldn't recommend to anyone else to inhabit my mind - it is hard work in there.
Is it the same for you? How do you truly think? How much do you love or hate that conscious part of you?
The image l have learned to accept and work with with the conscious mind, is the image of an arena. When the mind is negative, the arena is full of creatures that bite, kill, torture, and damage, the conscious image of the "l" which would be like a person in the arena, hunted by torturesome bears and wolves.
When my mind is peaceful and content, the most beautiful flowers grow and the most fantastic, amazing garden in the living arena appears, populated with beneficial, balancing and calming, loving creatures which are also beautiful to look at.
This version of the arena disappears very quickly when the negative mind returns with the same coloured lions and wolves clawing the hot sand under their paws, as before. Those are the wolves:
"Why did he do that, it is so unfair, he has disrespected me, and what l am living now is all his fault and the government is disregarding me or taking my money and it's all their fault... Poor me poor me, etc etc" You know, the usual "blah blah blah" , or should l call them the obsessive negative low-worth thoughts, in which parts of me relinquish in feeling like a victim of "fate" and of other people.
l love it, it makes me more worthy if lhave plenty of suffering. (not really, l am playing with that to try and uproot it - it looks so ridiculous it actually helps me reading it again. Suffering IS wrong..particularly self-induced.. )
The problem comes if l have been the source of someone else 's unhappiness in whatever level it may be, and l recognise l have been unpleasant and cannot repair it. A victim coupled with an agrgessive? Not a good mix for the balanced person l would like to believe l could be and would rather like to be. How do l get out of that? By watching my mind everytime a parasitic thought comes out the woodwork? MAYBE THAT IS THE WAY!!! keep hunting at what inside me wants the suffering to happen? l am "asleep" most of the day, how can l hunt them down? Or finding the place that "never grows old" inside ? Who am l and who could l be? Al , or Cl, the child, the adult? The woman, or just the earthly creature with a thinking egoic platform who keeps writing about it?
Is it consciousness that stays alive? Or a part of soul l have not much link with in the arena? Where is the Soul in all that? The thing that links with the whole? Is it the space in between my physical cells?
Even though l have not spoken to every one of you reading this, aren't we all always wondering who we are and who we could be? Why we are here and who we would like to become?
What example to follow? Which book to adopt as my truth? Which bible do l turn to (if any) ? Which man, woman, do l make my idol, my god, and follow like a puppet? Or do l just trust in governments and politicians and make those my heroes?
l cannot find someone to follow for great lengths of time, for l always end up disagreeing with something in their ways or doctrine, or the thing "doesn't work". There are “truths” l agree with, but to me the "truth of god"cannot be written, it is intangible. They cannot really have the whole truth, none of those people, none of those books.
Nobody owns or has the truth l need to find for my life. That truth probably only applies to this mind writing anyway!
What mysteries await us as we delve deep within ourselves and start connecting with the human race on another level? Can we communicate, or connect with each other on a soul level without the interface of the egoic mind?
Is there a "behind our dreams, is that place where even if we don't know each other on Earth we meet, learn and teach" Like we would be working at night also away from our bodies?
Is there such a place where l can reach you even though l don't know you? Is it the same place where distance "healing" (when it works) comes from?
l don't know where l am leading my life. Like a lot of us, l wanted fame and fortune, or maybe fortune without fame would have be good enough but that hasn’t arrived either.
The millionaire already had a wife, and had he been wife-less, he still wouldn't have been the answer l yearn for. (it would be nice if l told myself what l yearned for, it would make the job easier)
What is the fame-and-fortune about? This desire of making it "big"?? I cannot accept that in me, yet cannot get away from "wishy-washy wishing". Surely l should give myself a good talking to about letting the egoic mind rule what l could do with my life. l should know better, fortune comes with such insecurities, and even if good "luck" allowed me to pay the rent each month without any financial worry for the next 50 years, l would always fear it'd be taken away from me or the Earth decided to cataclysm us humans out the way. l would always tremble about something at night. l wouldn't find peace.
Rich or poor, my insecurity is inside.
Am l not good enough as l am? Is my old little car not good enough as it is? Am l really NOT accepting that l am a creature that will die? Don't l deserve joy and happiness and balance and peace of mind, like everyone of us l believe deserves?
This virus period has been a weird one for all of us. (except from those who don't know about it)
It has made some of us think about our mortality. Of what was important in life. Of whether we want to make a change somehow, around us, and make our world a place where it is good living and integrity, honesty, kindness and open communication rule.
Or, whether we realise we are in a rut and need help out of it so to get out of suicidal thoughts. It has certainly made me realise l am nothing in front of Death. It is waiting for me. Lately l did try to make it come quicker (because l am so scared of long term old age diseases which l watch hypochondriacally ‘grow’) by not eating enough and working too hard and stressing myself out. The love of others around me, and the fear of lacking of essential nutrients and suffering from stupid diseases has stopped me in those tracks. (fingers crossed) l can't escape that quickly, there is more suffering to be done, or even, joy! l may not be meant to die of starvation and stress/heart attack at 44… The virus happening also stopped that circle. Suddenly, the work dropped. Silence. Peace.
Accepting myself as l am is hard.
What has the virus made you think about? has it made you buy hundred of packets of anti-viral hand wipes and cans of beans? Have you feared timelessly for yourself or loved ones? Has it made you lose your job, your business, your dignity?
What about talking about mortality, your own mortality? How long do you want to live, truly, to be satisfied that you will have lived long enough and it is time to go? Another 10, 15, 30 years?
Or do you believe you could be the incredible one whose body doesn't die? (out the way, l am first in the queue of the Illusion)
When will you accept that yes, a virus may well take your life, or do you prefer it to be the heart failure, or it to be the renal failure, the clot in the blood or the cancer eating away at your pain? When will you be ready to die? Do you refuse to go till you have the fame and fortune bit? Or bought your own house to put your wife and children in away from misery-rain and weather? Is that all which you are even though it isn’t nothing?
What is our life for if not to experience and grow out of our egoic, status driven minds back to a society where the elders are held in great esteem and asked for advice because they have had the time to calm down and find their own truth and share their love and support?
We grew up with our grandmother (my father’s mother) in the house till she died of “natural death” . One morning she wasn’t there any longer.
She was invaluable, an extra hand, an extra person out of the turmoil whom l couldn't speak to unfortunately but who nevertheless brought more kindness in my life. But...could l live with my step-mother? What a scary thought. How can l help change the society if l can't cope myself with my inner conflict with my potential step-mother?
That IS the world l want in me: a world where communication is true and clear and empathetic, made from love and peace and not egoic irrational fight-or-flight decisions.
Accepting death and change... such a challenge for a human mind.
The world in which l would like to express and be heard....Where is it? Yet, l feel so watched, in a negative manner, that even the words on this blog don't always come out any more as l have had to censor them to the point of finding a blank pen.
Watched, by whom, and why? No reason at all other than my egoic mind must think l am ever so important to the other 7 billion of consciousnesses alive or to the Cosmos. A true enraging illusion which probably comes from wanting attention as a child and not getting it in a balanced way.
It is where those worldly famous people who think people will adore them crumble when they meet fans who turn against them because they are showing themselves as true mysogenistic human-haters with a superiority complex and didn't realise they were acting that way (but it's not who they really are... l don't believe we are inherantly bad, just damaged...)
Come on, who wants to be in the famous people's shoes and have the shittiest pictures in some rubishy newspaper watching the tabloid media tear you apart whilst your wig or hair-piece flies about in the wind of the private jet??
Not me. l have too much to do at home as it is. l am already 42, the clock has ticked, and l am nowhere near where l wanted to be: my egoic mind still governs my thoughts and a lot of my actions, l am far from being the peace courrier l would like to be.
Never mind being famous, l have to start loving myself, and that is even more difficult than becoming famous (if one wasn't bothered in the “fame” sujbect ) .
Wishfully, in 10 years time if l am still alive, l will have some peace and true gentle kindness and harmony to share with you. If not, really, there was no point for me being a-life.
Thank you for having read.
It makes me feel heard and gives me a sense of connection.