"French conversation and free chocolates offered in exchange for help"
is what l wanted to post on Instagram to see if anybody out there who had time and who wasn't struggling about making a living due to the plague, could come and help me because l cannot manage on my own and cannot afford to pay someone to help me at the moment.
The thought which came after was: "How much chocolate can l give someone who helps me sand stairs or scrub floors or pack chocolate for it to be worthwhile for them? Do l need to say £50 worth of chocolate?"
The next answer, if there are 3 people helping me each week, is: "£50 is too much, that is 8 tablettes which take a lot of time to make and stock l do not have as l find it really hard to have enough back stock as it all sells so quickly. By the time l have shown them what to do and lost time showing them, it makes it not worthwhile for me. "
The scenario that insues is someone comes to help me and only gets £35 worth of chocolate, and they feel taken advantage of and humiliated because they weren't able to say "l was hoping for more please", so we talk about it, we fall out, and they tell all their friends that l am a slave-master and ungrateful bitch and l lose 10 customers and l end up feeling paranoid about them for about 6 months till l forget about them.
You know what?
Maybe l will not ask for help. My chocolate is amazing but l cannot afford to keep it up without other moneys coming in. l am in a real knot!
l cannot ask for help. l do not have a family who will help me freely, like we help each other and when they need help l help them. l love helping. l love it. It's great fun! and l may get some food for it, some company, some nice chats, or some gratitude, and sometimes some goods! l helped so many people in my life and not for money - just for fun. To be with them.
However to help someone with their business when it is all profit they are keeping for themselves seem a different story, it isn't deserving of help, it only deserves the person borrowing money off their friends(if they happen to be lucky enough to have rich friends who are philatropists and will lend or give money) or a bank's loan to pay people to come and help. (that is, if they will give me one and l know they won't!! l have been a liability to them)
Right now, l feel stuck. Winter is coming, my fingers are starting to swell already, and l feel very very anxious (temporarilly) about not managing to make ends meet and well, being made homeless, living under the bridge with the winoes and dying with them of scepticemia. With no friends other than Death to come.
This is one avenue of possible future.
An other avenue is, the trust l have in life which l choose to concentrate upon, is reciprocated and Life brings events and people in my life who are helpful and kind and despite a bit of temporary physical ailment and swelling and a bit of anxiety when l go about my day feeling overwhelmed with everything l have to do, things turn out pretty good.
The studio gets opened and it is warm and well set-up and my life becomes free, joyful, expanded and buoyant. My body responds to the new care l give it, to the love and nurishment and unlocking of the fears l have about (conventionally farmed) foods containing poisons, l feed it with what she wants that makes her balanced, rightly topped up with electolytes and with a magnificent, expanded and balanced, strong, electromagnetic field.
l carry on with the teachings l am currently hammering into my ... head, and they give fruit to a life that feels easy and responsive, honest, clear and intuitive about choices to make and people l can, happily, accept help from.
This is a rather nice feeling future.
I think l will do my best to be scared of good things happening , just for the moment, and if l remember, for the rest of the day.
What if it all went wonderfully well? What if l was warm? What if l was well? What if l felt expressed? What if l felt full of life and vitality? What if the work was all getting done and was happening in good time leaving me time to do drawings, imagine stories, and talk to the camera to learn who l am? What if what l did helped other people and they felt nurtured and well and balanced and grew up into being the people they wanted to be? And what if, O horror of all, l started having the will to play piano more often and became pretty capable at it and the downloading of music was a lot quicker and more accurate and was pretty cool too?
Oh la la... l fear the good future which opens to me right now. What will l do?
l may even become slightly happy. Is it allowed? Surely l am meant to suffer till l go to paradise for my martyrdom? No? Maybe the Aliens control our minds and make us paranoid and aggressive... l have the eye on you, Aliens, you will que nini, control my mind any more. Sending me thoughts of bridges, drug addicts and emotionally disabled, people.
Has anyone got a spare million? (am not sure what l'd do with it but l am sure it could come in handy)