Fall in (this) love again
You are truly beautiful. Spiky short hair, blue eyes, perfect arms, and you are such a philosopher. You resonate in my heart like your voice does against the walls of (this compost tub). Actually, what did you just say? That you loved me?
I can't hear you!
- But what is it, what is this falling in love?
- This so known chesty feeling.
Going onto the throat. Expanding on the heart. And I feel it in there.It is strong and beautiful, so pleasurable. It is not just an image.
It makes me want to sit there and stare at the wall, the head on the side, a slight smile on my face, whilst making strange noises.
This thinking that "He" (or 'She') is the most perfect... And isn't he/she beautiful and amazing...
- Hold on a minute.
What is going on?
What is this all about?
5 minutes ago, they were nobody.
5 minutes ago, you hardly knew they existed.
5 minutes later, they will be gone. You know it. Why insist?
- No, they won't...This time, I know I am in love. And it feels so real...
- Here's another way to look at it.
Assuming you are in love in an ordinary way of falling in love, with all the normal assumptions of it being something "which could work" and it being of a slight sexual nature rather than platonic or fantasy world.
Is this being in love, or falling in love with someone about projecting onto someone else this idea of "amazing magnificence, beauty, intelligence, witty-ness, God like" that we feel we don't have in ourselves, but imagine they are?
Isn't it a projection onto someone of the potential we could ourselves be (but cannot at this point of time) and, by the contact with them, we think they can bring that potential in us, or out of us?
Isn't being in love thinking they are so wonderful and refusing to see they are actually another person just like us, not quite perfect, not quite secure, not quite god like, and building an illusion of what they would be?
And, blinded by the illusion and the excitement of this fantastic emotion, we think we are in love with them but in fact, are in love with that image of them??
- You know how to spoil things, don't you. Bloody scientist of the mind.
- I am here to open your eyes! Assume the 'honeymoon' has passed. Now, what is left? A big huge building site with lots of messy but promising and heavy stones.
Suddenly, things don't look as shiny anymore. What a lot of work there is!
We start to discover our in-love's "weaknesses" or "imperfections", also.
This sudden realisation makes us look at ourselves and find exactly the same inside...
Desillusion. DOn't want to make the effort.
You have got there. Done it. Passed the honeymoon. Now, are you still in love?
- mmhhhh...Yes, I am!
- No, seriously, imagine you are seeing all this and coming off the pedestral and look in front of you, take off those "pink glasses".
- Well, I still see some sort of beauty there. There is this personality which I love and am so attracted to. The fact they are a great cook. Or the fact that they enjoy walking in the morning dew bare-footed, in the nettles. Their looking at the stars and falling down. Their passion for body movements. Or dance. Their interest in the emotional fields. Their love for bright pink and black dotted cars. Their despise for bright pink dotted cars but love for blue ones with tigers on it. Their gentleness of touch, their loving words, their delicious and so comforting, caring attitude towards this ME that I am in front of them. Their respect towards me. Their way of making me feel so precious and so special.
- Fine. Look at it: this is what you lack... Many of those things you do not have, and they are possibly what you are in love with. The fact that they have them and by being together, you can share those things is really what you long for. Together, you will share them, and that is your idea of being with someone. For the sharing of all those wonderful things.
But imagine if you settle with each other, both end up sitting in front of the TV a bit too much; or whatever takes you away from the present moment
Imagine you are giving up on those idealised dreamed moments of sharing, which both of you wanted, even though it was why you were in love in the first place. And see both of you now, your own evolution and creativity tampered with? ("oh, we will do that later! I am tired now! I will show you one day!")
What would happen then?
- Dellusion... disappointment. I would possibly lose the interest in them, eventually.
- And that has happened, hasn't it?
- Oh yes....
- So, what if, instead of being stupidly in love once again for 5 minutes; what if... You learned from them, from where you are sitting right now, look at them,and see where they are at in their life. Note silently all those things they do or have that you find so inspiring, reassuring, or that you would love to do... And start to do them?
What if you caressed yourself in the most loving way like you imagine they would do? What if you just loved yourself just like if you were with them and they loved you, and make certain moments truly beautiful with yourself? Isn't that what you are after in the first place, by being in love?
- It is. But surely, that would end up as a selfish act...
- Self love is no selfish. See yourself doing all this. Maybe not all in one go, but just one little thing at the time. Open a cookery book and do one recipe. Or go and jump in the park, just for 30 seconds when nobody is looking and climb on a tree. Have that promised bath with some candles, champagne, nettle juice, or whatever would make you so happy. Don't wait till tomorrow to show yourself careand expand your creativity.
What if you suddenly found this happiness in yourself because you have got out of your own "laziness"('...Can't be bothered to love myself right now, too busy binging in front of tv') and did all those things you would love someone to do to you, or would like to share and do with them?
It would be pure joy. Joy because you would take care of yourself.
- And then, guess what... when you meet someone and you do fall in love with them...Because you are also in love with yourself, in the most giving and caring way, don't you think falling in love with someone exterior will be a sort of blessing but in a more balanced state?
Dont you think you will genuinely be able to share love because you know what it is within? A situation where you will love them for who they are and not for what they can (or could) bring you? Since you already have all you need?
And don't you think you will attract someone who also love themselves?
-.... (Mmmh...Yeaaah...Maybeeeee...Can you pass me the chocolate box, please?...)
- ... [One never learns, do they...Sigh..]
- Actually, do you have a girlfriend? Do you want one? I think I am in love with you, now. You are quite useful.
- Sorry. Not available. I am busy right now, can't you see? (making you feel guilty for not doing your homework or something you love, for yourself.)
I am no girlfriend material, but I could be loving material, if you ever had a spare amount of it and could be bothered to have that thought ...
Category: Self questionning Permanent Link · 3 Comments https://web.archive.org/web/20080423114028im_/http://www.photoblog.com/images/pixel.gif « 2008.04.21 https://web.archive.org/web/20080423114028im_/http://www.photoblog.com/images/pixel.gif