A word for a quiet day when the mind seeks reassurance in what "used to" work, to make itself shift from "that place" into the place where it feels good existing.
It takes a lot to say what we truly think particularly if we are hurt by someone's behaviour, or if we have repressed saying the truth for years because we don't want to upset the other person. Can l recommend, if you have no idea where to turn to, that you follow on instagram the "non violent communication" as people who post and tag those words have a lot to say that is immensely helpful, and l also advise you to look for TraceyOconnell who works with emotions and bootcamp in a really kind, open, and powerful way. (she is from the USA unfortunately, no chance l will ever meet her)
There are days when we feel we cannot turn to anyone, because we feel so shitty inside, and when we understand that perhaps listening starts with oneself. l should listen to my feelings more, as l am so focused on work l don't give myself much time to heal. When l hear myself, then the mind starts feeling better. l feel better already just having written those sentences.
l need to learn this, to listen to myself. My recurring complaint about others is "They don't listen to me, l am the one who has to listen to them all the time" .
We know, that this is an ego-complaint. It is something unbalanced inside, to do with self-love, again. (probably)
It is not impossible to shift from that state, thanks to Joe Dispenza's "Becoming Supernatural" where his words truly trigger so much good - however they triggered so much good in the last 2 weeks, that my egoic mind, (l think it is what is happening) cannot cope with such a drastic change in my personality and is taking me back to the "old personality", the one fed by fear of the future, fear of ailments, and fear of other people and bothering them and not wanting to ask for help because l don't deserve any as l am such a bad person.
My dear Ego, here you are reading me now, and know l love your aliveness very much.
l know the mind is elastic and it takes a long time for an old pattern to change into one we feel more comfortable with. In my case, l felt so wonderful Saturday after posting this gratitude video on utub, l had such a wonderful day where l said exactly what l thought to people, l was loving, l was kind to myself, l was vocal; the next day l started "paying for it".
My body was groggy, my mind unfocused and tired from that week's work, my intestines clogged up possibly by the lack of water and the fibroid changing as l can feel different pressures lately as if something is happening.
That was Sunday and l spent the day with a dear friend whom l felt because they had personal problems, they needed to talk about themselves and l didn't feel listened to which is understandable, as they were talking a lot and l was feeling weak and let them talk. They needed to express their problems and as l was in a good place l could do with not being heard for once.. So l put my needs of being heard on the back burner and was even more tired on Sunday night, and forced myself to go to bed after 11pm, which is too late again, as a sabotage thing that is happening at the moment to keep me in a place where l don't heal. (the trick is to stop myself from going to bed early as l love going to bed early - best sleep is before midnight...too true...) Sabotage? Yes, still around.
An old pattern again with that friend. Same person and same wonderful moments when they happen in a wonderful way. Nothing to do with the person venting their anxieties - it is me drawing that behaviour (the not-listening-to-me) from them and l have to work out what l do or not do for it. l also need to work out that when someone is in distress they need to be heard and l need to stay quiet and not have any needs, or have someone else l can share my needs with.
Work work work, oh my dear Cinderella of the Chocolates, you who love your work with such joy and kindness, but who is waiting for the sun to fall on your business (it is) before you allow yourself some time to breathe and enjoy this moment...
"Oh no," says Ego, " l must have so much stock to sell as it sells so fast l am forever running out and don't have time to start on my xmas chocolates!" ego complains. (now we are getting personal, you don't need to know all this - l never mix business with pleasure, though this blog is not really pleasure and is certainly NOT business minded . )
So, my ego drives me into working late, long hours, achieving an enormous amount but the enormous amount isn't coming down for very long as other projects are waiting, painting, polishing walls and floors, getting the Space ready for l'Amour de mon affaire. (my business' love waiting to move out!)
l am still struggling with feeling worthy of help and love - a quick comment to someone who used to say they used to love spending time with me helping me pack in return for a meal, free chocolate and a fun, happy time has now said he spent so long in the "chocolate mines" it is other people's turns to help.
This lets me know he is feeling resentful about something, however as he was an ex and now not a friend but a polite acquaintance, l do not feel the need to delve into the why's of his slow change of behaviour which started from me getting a new boyfriend and something else l won't write on here in case that family reads it. We want to keep peace whilst venting.
l said to him "if there is no fondling on the sofa involved, you don't want to help me, do you! " He didn't answer... l felt guilty afterwards that l had humiliated him in public (a friend was also there watching). It is true that our friendship was a bit closer than l would have liked at the time, but as l wanted his friendship and thought the help was gratefully given, l let myself slip into an uncomfortable position, now all over and done with fortunately. l will not do that again.
Maybe we both used the other? l was using him for help and friendshp and feeling cared for, and he was using me as a pretend girlfriend and for goods, food, and services l would do for him.
Because of it, l feel totally invalid in my mind about asking anyone for help. l don't need to really, l just need to orgasnise my time and business better, and stop saying yes to special orders which l do out of pleasing my customers but take half a day in doing , hence for one order it is wasting my time when l should really be packing or making back-stock.
l love love my job and l love making people happy - spreading joy is my wish. However l have to remember l also deserve joy, which doesn't involve packing any chocolate nor thinking about xmas stock even if xmas stock involves drawing Apostles doing silly things. (l don't know what they will be doing this year, they were supposed to be in California as everybody had gone off to the Moon but l am not so sure what they'd be doing there)
l need to give myself joy, and of course l do in small ways, but l wonder what it will take to make me stop and rest, and truly trust in the Life and Flow and William's help which is tremendous (he works with Healing - energetic and emotional) but he does recommend meditating which as usual, l have done for 2 days and then given up again. (l recommend him to everyone with a sensitivity in the mind - really super helpful and he fixed my knee!)
Writing on this blog for my 23 views is also helpful. (it was really odd with the previous blog, l wrote something very personal and the views climbed up as son as it was posted, despite it having no tags and the photo being uninteresting as my photos usually are. As soon as l noticed it climbing up to 23, it all stopped! nothing for the next hour, then nothing for the next day nor day after! l haven't looked since, but it was pretty odd having all those views and then nothing as l noticed them ! It is like the electrons in the quantum world that behave differently when watched!!)
Writing here, l actually enjoy having very little views as it is helpful so l don't feel watched nor criticised, but it gives me hope that someone who cares silently is actually reading and sending their best wishes to me by following my thoughts. We can always dream, hey! l don't think l made such friends since being in England except for Tomie who used to be there at the time of the old Photoblog (before they changed everything and deleted most of my blogs, which, out of rage and frustration, l deleted what was left of it)
l may never meet in person those who read those posts. l may never hear from them, but it makes me feel secure knowing that there is a possibility of someone caring and quiet, actually reading this and has understood a bit how my ego works so they can work on their own and make beauty happen in their life, like it is happening in mine despite the fall-backs of the personality.
l must go and do some work - it has been a pleasure. l will enjoy the work twice as much now l have allowed myself some kind expression. Thank you for taking the time to read this, l know how busy you are and it means a lot to me.