Tar

by Alexandra Pechabadens February. 02, 2021 112 views

When it has disintegrated into Dust and the Dust settles in the intestines which are too busy to take the time to get it out
When the feeling of awe has transformed into a lingering sorrow
Of which we aren’t sure of the cause.
It attaches itself to all the little aches ‘signs of degeneration’,
to the little heart aches ‘It is not my place to be close nor near them’
Something is perhaps mourning the past and not telling me
It wants a family again
Even if it didn’t feel good, then.

It wants us both to cry.
Why exactly?
I don’t know. Just, do it.
I do, and then what?
Then, it stops wanting us to cry.

I thought it was finished, all this
So l could leave this blog alone
For the better...and for the joys!
Oh my old blog,
Like the old friend who knows me best
Tells me how to care and love myself
And by the end of it
I always feel...soothed.

My Darling blog you whom l love SoVeryMuch
Thankyou thank you thank you for being there
And listening to me, holding the mirror to my soul
If l really have one.
Mine apparently was half missing
So he put a new one in it, one which hadn’t dismantled through ‘trauma’
I have felt better since
But not today!!!

Will the liver flush do it
Or am l running away from what is truly needed
That meditation with the blessings and centres
but then...l never start work early enough and when l started
it is time to finish
When l finish, it is time for bed
Diner skipped
Again

l am the only one who can get my out of my recurring mental patterns
Lee has vanished, l fancied them anyway
so it is for the better
What can l do to love myself
So my body feels loved...

”I haven’t got time to sit nor meditate
There is stock to do! Market starting Friday again!”
Oh the desolating thought of the cold market
When my poor hands can’t take any more
(real moan here)
And stand in the cold for hours on end,
Come home, get really hot and start swelling
Oh no l don’t want to do this any more!!

l feel right now like the true victim getting her fix of stress hormones

like Joe says..oh that Joe what a wonder... Fix your thoughts, they aren’t you
Keep feeling what it would feel like..to feel, truly contented, utterly vital
And loved, so loved, loved all over by so many
With as much mental security that l could feel on this Earth
Knowing security is a fake, since we are all waiting to die
Hooray when it comes! Hooray to the relieve, the release,
No more aching hands, swollen bellies, itchy feet

only the bountyful, beautiful, DARKNESS OF LIGHT
And Spirit
being part of the One,
Till l am born again
Another country, another family
More suffering

Cannot we stop the cycle of life and death? I have had enough of it, enough of suffering for yet another hundreds of lives!
how can l deal with my thoughts right now?

a friend said how lonely they felt recently how hard it was, for them
And l wondered how could they speak like that, super kind of person, so many loving friends
And l thought to myself ‘l feel unified, united, connected
Karma had warned me, now l feel that loneliness
That wish to belong close to the ones l want to feel close to
Yet it isn’t my place, l must not wish what l cannot experience

the bliss of knowing,
I am wanted,

And loved.

oh dear separatedness, thank you for making me feel so connected and at one with your other side of your coin.

l am grateful for all those lives, those thousands of lives my atoms have been and l may have been too as soul, for all the wellbeing, all the happiness, all the peace, all the joy, all the exhuberance, all the experience, which has been worth living.

The shit is only there to remind Us to Feel ultra joyful what when Joy is around.

i mean Joy as joy. Not as a woman.


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Alexandra Pechabadens 2 months, 1 week ago

It feels safe posting on here, there are very few views. Thankfully as it is just for me... it feels so difficult to make myself so open and vulnerable, but l am no different to the others who do not have time to look any further, nor the will. Thank god. To be in this life where l can express online is a true, wonderful, amazing gift. I a, so lucky t9 be born and living in this time!

2 months, 1 week ago Edited
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