Where our life goes when the choices we feel we have, are reduced.
l am not my past, and even if l felt like a victim at times, l didn’t realise l was not one, that l was allowed to say NO to men, that l was worthy of being alive, despite not feeling that way growing up.
The past is gone. What do l do with my present?
enjoy the moment and the integrity of my mind, know that whatever happens,
i have done my best, with what l had.
l still feel shame, unworthiness, and unsuitable to a ‘normal’ loving coupled life, which l realised l do not want.
The shame and feeling dirty and unworthy was there as l grew up since l was very young. The rape and the rest, despite quite strict catholic upbringing, didn’t bring me the foundations of self worth and acceptance that a child needs.
The feelings l felt about myself lead me into the sex industry at the time, as l had nowhere else to go and working for Burger King and Planet Organic was as bad as prostitution in many ways.
Sometimes l think of my past and am proud of myself, that l didn’t get into drugs nor alcohol, that l kept myself safe despite being in a place that felt threatening at times, and was possibly very unsafe. Thank you to my guardian angels!
l fear not the look of others any more, their judgement on my life or who they think l am, is of no value to me. I used to be scared to be found out. I need not be anymore. Burying secrets only leads to oppression inside.
One thing is sure in life, is that l will die. It could be when l am 94, or it could be tomorrow. I do not mind dying other than for the pain and fear l will experience when l pass, yet l know that will be temporary and the soul will go home. All I can give myself now is a bit of rest. Some peace. Some joy.
Interlude [The old band manager who ran off with my £1000 and some from the other band members, used to look at me with a strange glare, as if he knew something l didn’t, (he was a very charismatic bullshitter) and used to repeat to me l had to be careful to not becoming a ‘could-have-been’ , Because there were many wannabe’s out there and many end up as could-have-been’s. He used to warn me so much and it used to inflate my ego as in l started believing l could become rich and famous by doing something extraordinary. He probably said that to the other band members too. He knew, as l had to be honest with him, how l earned a living at the time. He didn’t see any problems with it.
Once he put in his mind that l could be his girlfriend, (or sex object?) but l was so googley eyed with him, l felt so shy and inferior (because l wasn’t vocal and felt repressed) l didn’t know whether l wanted to, had to, and how to do it, as he was in his early 60’s, smoked cigarette after cigarette, lived in a dirty, curtain closed flat, ate the sort of food that got me to open wide eyes (to put it politely), and was overweight as well as being unattractive to me. I was 22, way too young. However, he wore sunglasses most of the time which gave him a look of ‘l know more than you and l am pretty cool and l can make you into Fame and Fortune’.
l felt quite sorry for him, and helped clean his kitchen once. Amazing he let me do it!
I feel he has passed away now and once l heard him speak to me, we had a banter and a good laugh, l forgive him. Life gave me back tenfold what he borrowed from me. ] end of interlude
My wishes before l die:
I would like to experience bliss again, of both physical and mental nature.
l would like to play piano without mental constrictions.
I would like to be vocal, expressive, and respectful of myself.
Saying no isn’t easy, it takes practice. You are worthy of saying NO, my child.
ps some could look at the fibroid growth and say l only grew what l deserved. To those l will say... ‘I feel pity for you’.
My body did the best it could with its overactive, permanently stressed, angry and hateful, doormat mind. Body, l love you. Thank you for having protected me.