A scar in the shape of a Heart

by Luke Hagemann January. 08, 2017 995 views

"Be with someone who understands how rare your love is" - R.H. Sin


Where do I even begin? Let me first start with a saying that I have known and understood for quite some time now; it says that you should never mock a pain that you have never had to endure. Now, isn't that so true. If you read it over and over again you may, depending on who you are and were you choose to stand on the scale of emotions, begin to feel and remember all the raw and heart wrenching pain you have experienced - not just in your life's entirety, but even in the smallest moment.  Now, don't be a cliched human being and say that that is pathetic and blindly blurt out that love is what causes this pain - you're so wrong. Unfortunately, the people whom we love are the ones who cause this pain, even as unintentional as it may be...


"Thinking of you is a poison I drink often" - Atticus

something that, it in itself, is one of the most contradictory things, feelings (if you can call it that) and forms of torture - Love. The vague and trivial four letter word is such a general term for that  moment or vast amount of years that some of us have experienced - properly. If we look up the definition of love, can it really match up to the true definition of what that indescribable feeling, that bottomless ocean of emotions, anger, torment, passion, that ardent thirst and longing for the only person who can water your desert heart? I think not. Its as if you're a wild, violent and raging sea that is trapped inside a small raindrop, and no matter how fast you want to fall to kill that fire inside of you, just a thought of that person fuels that spark that rages forth and burns you whole.

Having said that, I am still not satisfied. I am nowhere near being satisfied with describing how deep the pain of love cuts; yet with all that pain and anguish, you still want more of what is killing you inside. Yet you ask yourself, "Why am I putting myself through this, why am I allowing all of this to happen to me?" Yes, you don't deserve all of the pain and heartache. But I can say that sometimes I act like I really don't care, but the truth is is that deep down it kills me, it kills me even more.


"Isn't sad when you get hurt so much, you can finally say that you're used to it."

We can't help but think about the truth behind the above quote. It can be easily said that before you reach that stage of utter cold and numbness, you would have had to knock on the door of insanity. How can any human being think that any sort of place in your life and heart is right; where your heart and emotions are no more and all that is left of your once pounding heart is a conglomeration of nothing but scar tissue. 

Some of you might think that I may be over exaggerating here, but have you gone through such a stage in your life where you have someone that means more to you than your own life, where you would voluntarily and sometimes unconsciously lay your absolute all and everything down for that one person? Yet, it may happen more often that this person has taken your heart and roped barbed wire around it tightly and dragged it behind them through the earth, and sadly, all you can do is give more and gain only the small bit of themselves that they give. 


"When it's real, you can't just walk away"

To be really honest, I know I am not easy to love, as I am a chronic over-thinker and I usually overreact more than I should. In addition my insecurities may often be smeared across my face; but, if I am in love with someone I would promise them wholeheartedly that they would be loved with the most ardent passion and intensity, that they will forget what life was like before I crashed into it. I would reassure this person that they would be cared for and I would always put them first. On the contrary, I may not be the best at being loved - but truth be told, once I have loved you, no one will love you the same way. 

However, I have always felt and thought that there was something romantic about fighting for someone you love; about winning them back and gaining eventual happiness. But most times I'll sit with a sack of stones in my chest, where my deep hope once lay. But, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely and perfect about having to continuously convince this person you love, to love you.


"You will search for me in another person. I promise. And you will never find me..."

To end this off, as I always say, I am going to leave you with a set of words that have been so beautifully yet painfully put together. Now, I am going to say no more, as love cannot be put down in words or any form of written language...but only the language of the heart and that of pain, the oil and water of many of our lives.

"I am not the first person you have loved.

You are not the first person I have looked at with a mouthful of forevers. 

We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. 

We have both lived with lips, more scar tissue than skin.

Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night.

Our love came when we'd given up on asking love to come. 

I think that has to be part of its miracle.

This is how we heal.

I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I'm hope.

Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book.

I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin.

I will write novels to the scar of your nose.

I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it's still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection,

But please know; whether it's the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap, your body broken into a thousand questions, you are what keeps me alive and what brings sense to my life.

I will love you when you are still day,

I will love you when you are a hurricane"

-Clementine von Radics 


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