I rode around after dusk this evening giving myself a pep talk. "Why did you move here?" Well, I said back, "Because I wanted to come home again, build my life here, spend time with my mom..." Lately, I've had to remind myself. I'm fighting the urge to run--run where I don't know. I'm overwhelmed right now with my graduate studies and work. I'm a hard task master and demand a certain level. But lately, its been hard to live up to my own dreams even though I'm following through with the 'plan'. The plan to get a Masters in Social Work, the plan to expand my vision at work. In some significant way, I want to do my part. I want to do something that will profoundly help others. I'm doing both but I don't feel that I'm up to par or working hard enough to produce the results to get me to the next phase. Here is the trap of it all. Constantly building for a future and losing sight of what is happening right now. I've always struggled with the 'right now'. But I'm thinking about the fact that I'm 50 years old starting at a point where most people are thinking about retirement. There are my student loans, there is the house that I want to buy, there are a thousand things that build on getting my education and excelling at work. I know I need to let go of all outcomes--to just release. But I'm gripping tight and I know that is the wrong path. I have to concentrate on love. Remember that my love lead me here, embraces me here and leads me here.
by Kim February. 20, 2017 797 views