by Syelmi M May. 14, 2017 1098 views

Maybe I just need to be happy being this, contented with solitude, finding peace in being alone, looking for advantages in the inability to connect. The positive side of being left-out.

Sounds pathetic, but maybe there is self-love in defeatism

I keep landing on people who are sometimes as distracted, as confused as I am, and we wallow in wondering and asking the universe with why? I have this tendency to attract broken souls. Then we get lost into it, then we just stop connecting.

Then there it goes again, same scenario of watching people fade away. I feel like I’m just being this quintessential stop-over. A place where you can rest, temporarily, but still setting sight of your destination, which is of course not here, not with me.

There is freedom in accepting solace.

I keep saying I can do this alone, but still scared shit thinking this is probably how it’s going to be, from hereon. I think I really need to embrace being in the shadows. That small speck, that void space, if I think that way, maybe its easier to get along with the universe.

Ah, when the universe is baptizing you with a role, do not fight back. There are supernovas and beautiful stars that are there for attention, maybe my role is to be an audience, and just to observe them.

Not everyone is privileged to be main players in life. Some supporting, some extra. Without these extras the movie wouldn’t be complete, at least if the director wants to perfect his perspective of the movie. Extras are optional, but it gives flavor you know, although the movie can still run without them.

I don’t know which movie  I am in,  but I am in someone else’s life right now where maybe I was placed there to make them realize something, to end a mystery that kept them stationary. To serve as another booster, another hey, I am a chapter in your life that needs to end so you can move on. There’s nothing here, move along now – you deserve someone better.

I hope, that I am doing this role justice. Maybe, in this little role, I helped them realize their purpose, answered their “I don’t know”.

And when my role is done, I will fade away into the shadows again, maybe to wait for another movie, where I can play an extra to someone’s life again, contribute to his/her decision making, and once he made the comparison/ contrast, I’ll exit and continue the next chapters of his/her life without me.

There is this hurt, this longing of finally connecting with someone and genuinely care about you. I cannot choose my faith on who comes into my life, and so, if no one did, maybe I just need to be happy that other people find theirs..

At 29, I have gone through a lot. I have no family to go back to, no real friends I can run into, I still feel awkward meeting people I knew for yeaaars. I know that they don’t care for me that much either and I don’t want to put and push myself into their lives.

The universe maybe just want me to play extra, putting me in different scenarios.

But universe, I am tired. Is there a way to send you an “ I quit” or resignation letter? Yes, you can take me out of the scene anytime.

Thank you for the opportunity though. For whatever it’s worth, I still had fun. 😊

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