shine on

by Raël S July. 13, 2017 1248 views

She did what she always does in moments like this. In these instants when you feel frozen in time - unable to move forward or back. Unable to find something to hold on to in the hurricane of things happening way too fast and situations not nearly changing fast enough.

She grabbed her cigarettes, got into the car, turned up the music and just took off. Not knowing where the road might lead her this time. Not even wanting to know where she could possibly end up, she knew it was easier not to arrive anywhere, to stay in motion. She was dealing with way too many decisions that had yet to be made and decisions she was depending upon others to make, this too was nothing new on the battleground she had been tiptoeing around on. The freezing sunday afternoon melted into drifting landscapes and dashes on the asphalt. The beat was pumping in her brain, taking away her ability to form clear thoughts - which she had long lost but nonetheless was trying desperately to hold on to. The brief sense of freedom when she gave up control caused the corners of her mouth to move up, just slightly, hesitantly - a flicker of a grin.

She took another tight curve going way too fast without even realizing it. She always chose windy roads, when she tried to explain why she loves the feel of the turns - all she could come up with is - that we don't live straight forward, why should we drive that way.

The third cigarette glows in the dark, the sun has left without setting one single ray in the valley that day. The CD plays track one for the second time and she can feel the raging storm in her head ebbing away into waves of sadness and an inexplicable feeling of loss. She knows what's going to happen next, she knows this is just one round of an endless war.

Without ever having consciously decided to turn around - she starts recognizing turns, signs, houses and as she parks the car in front of her home, she sighs, turns the key and slips back into her frozen hurricane.

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