global conspiracy

by Stefan Fletcher June. 22, 2009 3910 views

Those of you NOT aliens masquerading in human form will be horrified to learn of a massive conspiracy which has been mulling our species into stupor for millennia.

A chemical substance –C2H5OH – has been added to liquids consumed by humans as far back as late Neolithic times, approximately 10,000 years ago. The substance was one of the first to be refined as a relatively pure compound in the ninth century C.E. Which just goes to show how old and pervasive the conspiracy is.

This noxious substance enters the bloodstream through the gut and then wreaks havoc in the brain. Even very restrained consumption, measured in milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood, causes catastrophic results:

• People start to appear far more attractive than they actually are – including the consumer

• The consumer finds in himself a previously hidden talent for dancing, singing, stripping and insulting policemen which, for very good reason, was deeply hidden before being exposed to the substance

• The substance impairs judgement, reasoning, speech, whilst boosting the libido and should therefore be made free, as opposed to being taxed to hell and back.

Such is the popularity of this substance that people congregate in special places to feel the effects together. In some circumstances, it is even considered a suitable gift.

I have decided to conduct a very thorough investigation into the effects of this stuff and shall be reporting in more detail as soon as I’ve recovered from a massive headache that mysteriously followed last night’s initial foray into the world of ethanol.

The above image, taken with a TS-E 45 @ f/2.8 and 6400 ISO in a very dim bar, is part of a biometric study of the ability to focus manually whilst under the effect of ethanol - and teach a keen but cack-handed bar tender how to make a gin gimlet. This was his third attempt. It was a tough, tough experiment, I can tell you.

  Be the first to like this post
Join the conversation
There are 10 comments , add yours!
Tomie Poodle 12 years, 1 month ago

à la tienne!!!

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
David Cardona 12 years, 1 month ago


12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Marzena Jozefczyk 12 years, 1 month ago

I love that story, made me laugh this ugly Tuesday morning. Thanks for that!

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Jarvo J 12 years, 1 month ago

I don't think I've ever had C2H5OH, but I'll give it a go and see if I like it.

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Robert Moffat 12 years, 1 month ago

I love this .... but do I mean the picture or the drink?

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Eric J H Joyce 12 years, 1 month ago

Funny and so true.

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Thebronzebow 12 years, 1 month ago

Wow, if this is your Monday, I can't wait until your Friday... :) I ususally wait until at least Tuesday :))

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
David Swatton 12 years, 1 month ago

I believe in the original Latin it was Cocktailis Fallingoveris; surely an experiment worth conducting. I look forward to the research paper appearing in the Lancet.

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Marsha 12 years, 1 month ago

Haha - I can tell you really suffered through the preparation of this post. Great shot - I'll have a sip :)

12 years, 1 month ago Edited
Kecskemétiné Nelli 12 years, 1 month ago

Cool! =D
It improves not only speech in your mother tongue but foreign languages as well..
Some experiments in the Faculty of Arts of Szeged University have clearly shown that liquids containing ethanol may force people to speak languages they weren't supposed (not even by themselves) to know. ;)

12 years, 1 month ago Edited