before the prayer

  • Posted May 10, 2011 by Susan Jane Viewed 1655 times
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rehersal last night for this years Holy Communion in my community. 3 masses in 3 small town. I get my fill of church today. My role is as the photographer. And then I spend the rest of the year wondering if I should go back to the church.

I enjoy the sights and sounds and community of church, but yet I'm so resistant to being a part of it. I consider my self spiritual. I just dont feel a neeed to give what I beleive a name or to celebrate that via rituals with others according to doctrine that I am not 100% in support of.

But, I envy those that can and do follow and participate and believe so deeply that they are able feel that sense of security that I have yet to find. I hope I dont sound like a bad person, I'm not. I dont steal, lie, cheat or ever set out to hurt others. I respect myself, others, all creatures and the planet. Yet…will I go to Hell because I dont feel comfortable in a church? Apparently the Catholic teachings of my youth still run in my veins.

A little girl broke down crying during the rehersal last night. She had convinced herself that even with going to confession, God would not forgive her sins and she wouldn't be able to recieve. I left so worried about her. I look forward to seeing her this morning and will resist the urge to talk to her about how I view it. I don't think her parents would appreciate the heathen photographer advising thier kid.

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    6 There are 6 comments, add yours!

    • #
      2011.05.09 Edited

      You don´t sound like a bad person at all! You sound like a person who thinks for herself, who is sensitive and who is looking for her path in life. You will be all right:)

    • #
      2011.05.08 Edited

      Lovely images, Susan. Thanks for sharing. I grew up in the church (Baptist) as my father was a minister. My choice for various reasons later in life was to choose a path I feel more comfortable with.... so I understand your point of view.