lucky [77/365]

by Sherry Hill March. 18, 2019 347 views
[wizard of oz = dorothys red slippers.. a gift from my mum]

[wizard of oz = dorothys red slippers.. a gift from my mum]

Andi's post from yesterday, attached itself to me.. i carried part of it with me during the day and it lingered thru my sleep.. when i woke this morning i found it was still on the tip of my thoughts.. her frustration with her mother, echoed my relationship with my mum.. we had such a love/hate relationship.. truly.. i loved her, but i hated parts of her too.. and the sentiment was mirrored in her affections towards me.. not some teenage angst emotion, but fact.. she once told me the reason she hated me so much was that i was = who she wanted to be, before she was stifled by a tough life.. she had a wild streak in her, that had to be suppressed.. she married my dad when she was only 15 years old.. it wasn't till after she died that i resolved myself to thinking that she just wasn't made out to be a mother.. she wasn't motherly and nurturing.. at least not towards me.. [but then again, i doubt i would have let her nurture me if she had of tried] she was doing what was expected of young house wives back in the late 50's/early 60's.. you got married and started having kids.. they struggled just to keep food on the table.. i recognized her struggle even at a young age.. but i didn't understand it at an emotional level..

our relationship was always strained.. i was so rebellious and defiant.. we had grown so complacent with our contemptuous dialog that one day my dad snapped at us.. yelling at us with frustration.. "will you two just stop it" and my mum & i looked at each other surprised and baffled.. we weren't arguing, we weren't debating.. this is how we communicated.. but it was that moment i stepped back and looked at myself.. and i started holding my tongue when snide remarks jumped quickly to my lips.. at first it was simply because i adored my dad and didn't want to upset him.. then i realized how dysfunctional the banter between my mum & i really was.. i was still a teenager at this point..

but it wasn't all bad.. i think what made me want to even write about her today, wasn't even Andi's post, it was her reply in the comments, she mentioned the movie "seven brides for seven brothers" and i felt a pang of love swell inside me.. i smiled and remembered my mum, in the early 70's, and she kept me home from school one day to watch an old movie with her on the little black & white television that sat on a wooden box in her bedroom.. and maybe this is what began my love affair with old movies.. when "the bells of st. marys" was on, not a bad word was spoken.. we'd even share popcorn while "arsenic and old lace" was playing.. and both sing ridiculous and silly to "oklahoma" .. but my favourite movie, was "seven brides for seven brothers".. i knew every song.. my mum bought me the vhs tape and i watched it till vhs became obsolete..

we had a hard time finding common ground, but we did find it.. when the roof leaked rain in and the spiders sought shelter inside, when the snow drifted under the gaps in the door and we were on our 3rd day eating the last of the oatmeal.. we could forget all that while watching Gordon McRae & Doris Day.. we were so much alike that we clashed.. but our likenesses also bonded us too.. as complicated as our relationship was, and it was.. i know i was lucky to have her as my mum.. and today, i miss her..

[my mum on her wedding day.. she was 15 years old]

[my mum on her wedding day.. she was 15 years old]

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There are 30 comments , add yours!
Olga Helys 8 months ago

Thanks

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Olga Helys 7 months, 4 weeks ago

no, thank you.. smile

7 months, 4 weeks ago Edited
Lakshmi Bhat 8 months ago

Thank you for sharing.

8 months ago Edited
Jay Boggess 8 months ago

I wonder how many sensitive young children labored under the false idea that their families were defective because they were not like the ones on the TV sitcoms: Father Knows Best, Ozzie & Harriet, My three Sons & the like??? 
Parenting & being parented is never "a bed of roses".........all the time....
We never can really imagine what it will be like before we actually do it, can we???

8 months ago Edited
Lynn F Medley 8 months ago

Hugs to you,, you really are great at writing,, 😊

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Lynn F Medley 8 months ago

thank you so much Lynn..

8 months ago Edited
Bethany Plonski 8 months ago

You have such a wonderful way of putting your inner world into a photo. I love #1, and I love this post. The mother-child relationship has to be one of the most complicated ones there is, on both sides. Something that helped me reframe the way I looked at my mom was reading about "the mother wound" - the idea that we are still living in a world where women don't always have the space or resources to be whole and healthy mothers, let alone individuals, so all of kinds of pain and frustrations get passed down through the generations. Not sure if I summarized that accurately, but learning about it helped me look at things with a more compassionate eye for my mom and for myself. So many things you said here resonate, thank you for sharing. blue heart

8 months ago Edited
Bethany Plonski Replied to Bethany Plonski 8 months ago

Oh! And I've been reading Brautigan and loving him! I really appreciate how much emotion and humor he can pack into a tiny little poem!

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Bethany Plonski 8 months ago

your comments, their being a mother wound, i understand that.. my mum wasn't even allowed to drive.. and her mother wasn't a great mother.. so many repressed mistakes, ironing themselves out a little more at a time with each generation..
i may look into some books that discuss this.. i know i have some healing left to do.. 
thanks.. 
oh, and Brautigan is such a hoot, his stories are great, but i love his shorter poems.. like "revenge of the lawn'
glad you enjoy

8 months ago Edited
Andi Saw 8 months ago

On one side, I'm sorry I troubled your mind. On the other, I'm glad I inspired this post. 
You, and Camellia said: "Some people should never have kids"
I agree. 
But sometimes, in the middle of the chaos, 3 amazing women can stand up, are able to overcome their pain, and difficulties, and become people who can love, can give, can talk, can express themselves, can feel. I'm glad our moms had us. 
My mother cannot change. She's sick. I know her hate is not in her heart, but in her mind, and this makes me so angry, because I would love to have a mother, but the illness makes that impossible.
I hate not to have a solution. 
It does not exist. No matter how hard I try. 
But, still, I was able to be different. 
I am grateful to my motjher, because I am what I am to avoid to be what she is. 
My brother, for instance, was so overwhelmed by her hate, and feared her so much, he took his life at 21. 
I envy everyone who can have a glimpse of love by their mothers, and when I freak out, call names, it's my envy coming out, my barbaric "Why not me" over the roof of the world (to quote another amazing movie)
Thank you for this post sweetheart blue heart

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Andi Saw 8 months ago

hugs Andi
i know we all deal/dealt with out difficult mums in whatever way works for us.. we cope and try to hold on to our sanity.. my mother changed after my dad died.. that is when she changed for the better.. the day he died she said to us "that was the last meal i cook, you all are on your own" [she wanted to be free from responsibility] 
so she found some happiness in freedom.. 

i just hope you don't let your mums afflictions become yours Andi..  you seem to handle her well actually, like you keep her at an arms length so she can't get INSIDE and destroy the good parts of you..

purple heart my friend

8 months ago Edited
Andi Saw Replied to Sherry Hill 8 months ago

Venting here sometimes, and find some lovely words helps a lot blue heart

8 months ago Edited
Jennifer Raknerud 8 months ago

I loved the photo and your way with words is amazing.  A very heartfelt photo blog by the both of you.  I too can relate as my relationship too is somewhat weird with my mom.  She had a hard time showing affection & love but she taught me how to work really hard and to take pride in what I do.  She has always been more like a child than mom.  I go to visit her out of honor.  My brother barely has the time of day to give her and I feel I must be there for her.  You are very right about the sharing of DNA.  We don't always have to like each other.  I often say I love her but don't like her.  All in all, I am glad I was never horribly abused like too often happens to others.  We are all a bit broken.  We are all a bit of a mess.  I just hope my kids will always feel loved by me.  I am thankful that others are going through this and that it is okay.

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Jennifer Raknerud 8 months ago

and it is okay! and yes, we are all broken in some way.. i was at a breaking point in my life, riddled with severe anxiety.. and the only way i could reach out, was to come here, to PB.. an anonymous venue to try and connect with others.. and i have.. on so many different planes.. so many ways.. 
i understand also, thru a little comaradarie, that i am not alone.. we are all unique, in similar situations.. 
you say your mum was always more or a child than a mom.. 
and i think, i wish my mum was more of a child.. smile

my mum had a hard time with affection.. when she finally got on anti-depressants, she started trying to hug & kiss & say "i love you" and it felt so odd.. almost wrong.. almost too late, ya know? 

thanks for taking the time to read my rants & rambles.. nice to meet you! [smile]

8 months ago Edited
Lee Santiva 8 months ago

Sherry, I‘d like to express my respect for the openness of your blog in which you share your wounds and emotions with us strangers. Its good that you found your peace with her. PS I also love the red slippers!

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Lee Santiva 8 months ago

thank you Lee.. 
this venue has been so healing for me.. i can open up with a stranger, yet i'm a recluse in my life.. thanks for listening to my rambles.. purple heart

8 months ago Edited
Björn Roose 8 months ago

Great story, Sherry, painful AND cheerful as it is.

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Björn Roose 8 months ago

thank you Bjorn.. i can think about the good times with a smile.. :)

8 months ago Edited
Antonio Gil 8 months ago

I admire how you are able to tell the world about your relationship with your mother. I feel so fortunate for having a mother that loved us all so much (we are three brothers and a sister). Thanks for this post

8 months ago Edited
Berckmans Peter 8 months ago

My mom was a real caring mother and loved us much, I miss her she was taken to soon by cancer. On the other hand I have a brother that I don't speak to and he couldn't care less. He is the most selfish person i know. Maybe one day? Love your dorothy shoes. and when I was young i loved that movie " seven brides for seven brothers". I am glad you found some common ground. Whatever happened it stays your mother.

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Berckmans Peter 8 months ago

so well said.. 
and ya know something, just because he was born your brother, your family.. well.. just because you love someone on some deep seeded, internal level of sharing dna with them, doesn't mean you have to like them.. if they were strangers to us, would we befriend them? not always.. 
thanks for sharing! :)

8 months ago Edited
Berckmans Peter Replied to Sherry Hill 8 months ago

smile

8 months ago Edited
Camellia Staab 8 months ago

Oh MY GOD!! Sherry, as I read all the way through all I kept saying to myself is man this girl can write. Believe me you can write!!!, But besides that thought all the same thoughts that you had about your mom I have had. As a matter of fact it is still going on. I stopped talking to my mother for 2 years ( one of many times) and then finally last summer I decided if I don't talk and she passes then I will always have this regret ( for selfish reasons) I started to communicate with her and finally went and visited her. But realized some things will never changed. I do believe that there are some people who should never ever have had kids, my mother is one of them. There are some good memories somewhere in there, just like yours but somehow the bad ones outweigh the good ones right now. Just know you are not alone. As the old saying goes " shit happens" we just happen to be at the receiving end with our mothers smile 
BTW I love pic #1 the set up and those "Dorothy " slippers are perfect!!

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Camellia Staab 8 months ago

thanks Camellia.. i always take your comments to heart..
regret is a hard thing to live with.. when i think of times when i treated my mum as more of a nuisance, i want to cry.. i was a terrible daughter.. but i was dealing with her, with the only coping mechanism i knew, how i was taught.. 
i had to leave home [and the country] to appreciate her.. 
it's hard to not live with regrets.. 
there is a fine line there.. when you talk about the balancing act between regret & giving in.. i fought so hard against my mum, then i put my life on hold to care & nurse for her, which she resented.. the child she disliked the most was the only one to stay and help.. 
but then, i had to leave .. find out how to live life for me! so i still deal with regrets & selfishness and trying to put it all into place.. square pegs in round holes.. they will never fit together, so i just try to live in the present as best i can.. i am well today.. i am happy today.. i am living my life the best way i know how.. and not the way i was taught..
i hope you find a place that feels right in dealing with your mum..it'll never be perfect, but a place without regrets.. without giving too much of yourself up to make it feel OKAY.. ya know?

8 months ago Edited
Camellia Staab Replied to Sherry Hill 8 months ago

💕👍❤

8 months ago Edited
Laurie Madsen 8 months ago

You gave me goosebumps!
I think the dirty water in the bathtub just went down the drain!

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Laurie Madsen 8 months ago

thanks Laurie.. and hmm.. yes.. !!

8 months ago Edited
Laurie Madsen Replied to Sherry Hill 8 months ago

YES!

8 months ago Edited
Bob Rosenberg 8 months ago

Wow Sherry, that is quite a story.  You experienced some hard times that I can only imagine - and far far from what my childhood was like.  More lucky for me after reading your story.  Great work!

8 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Bob Rosenberg 8 months ago

yes, we did have a lot of hard times, but at the time, i didn't realize they were hard times.. they were adventures.. i guess my parents did a good job of making them seem like "normal" things.. i thought everyone had an outhouse! [smile]

8 months ago Edited
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