i needed to get back here
it's been a hectic week, crazy days, sleeping in a rented bed..
the moments i hold my breath
her, him and i
her - that moment when the matriarch exhales, waiting for the inhale that doesn't follow..
him - when they tell me i can see him, the operation was a success..
i - sitting on the edge of a table, antiseptic white and bright lights and waiting for the right words so i can breathe again..
it's been a long time since i've had a week like this..
i have been sitting on a wait and see situation with my health and i finally get to put that on a shelf and revisit it every six months "to watch".. that is the best news i can hope for.. [smile]
the fellas Gram passed on.. her strong mind was keeping her betraying body alive, when she decided it was time to go, it was a matter of days.. she told us just hours before she passed that Grampa was finally coming for her.. she is now free of that painful, withering body..
and the fella.. 4 years ago he came home from work in pain.. that started a series of unfortunate events and he has been in constant and chronic pain since.. thru dozens of doctors and misdiagnosis and treatments and even multiple operations, we are at this point.. where the only way they can stop the pain is to implant electrodes into his spine, run wires thru the spinal column to touch the nerves responsible for the pain thru his whole torso where he can dial up or down the current with a remote.. yesterday they did the trial run.. fingers crossed..
today i should be working, tomorrow should be the funeral.. but i had to just say STOP.. slow down and breathe.. i took today off work, something i NEVER do.. but i know i need to be here for my fella.. he's not supposed to shower, bend, lift, walk a stair or step, etc.. yeah, he gets to be babied.. and he will not be able to travel the 80 minutes south it takes to visit the family, which means no funeral.. which is okay with me.. we said our good byes to Gram while she was alive.. social function dictates one thing, good and common sense dictates another..
so with all that said and some weight lifted from my chest, i can breathe again and sit on my porch and smell the cool autumn air [it was 40 degrees waking up] and i can find my calm again.. [smile]