i am going thru a bit of a transition period.. trying to strip the clutter from my mind.. trying to find my zen again.. every winter, this happens.. i can see a pattern now.. every spring/summer/fall - i spend every waking moment outside.. sitting silent in nature.. it's so calm it borders on bliss.. i am balanced & well..
then winter hits & i get manic inside.. it's like this - once i've had a bad experience with X, then every time that situation rolls around again, i instantly think i'm going to have the same bad reaction.. like cell memory, my brain starts to prepare itself and my body goes thru some inner anxiety about doing X.. [there are too many situations, so they roll together as X] and then the panic attacks start and the heart palpitations, and i don't think i'm feeling anxiety, so it doesn't make sense.. but i know the mind is an amazing & curious thing..
so.. i feel a little defeated, as i can't pull myself out of this spiral on my own.. i started an anti-anxiety drug [again.. i've been thru this a few times in my life].. and damn the side effects are kicking my ass bad.. severe nausea, head ache, twitchy muscles, and my old nemesis insomnia is back with a force.. hours upon hours lying in bed with a brain that won't quell.. it's maddening.. but i will get over this stage.. it's just a bump in the road to hopefully finding my zen again..
when i said i spend too much time inside my own head, it's true.. it's hard to get perspective when the only sounding board i have is my own inner self..
anyway, i didn't mean for this to be a big long drawn out rant.. i didn't need to say all that.. but what i am going to do, is find one single, simple, piece of beauty in my life everyday..
unwell - matchbox 20 - this song ran on a loop all night long in my head..