by Sherry Hill January. 11, 2020 269 views
[swaying in the breeze]

[swaying in the breeze]

i am going thru a bit of a transition period.. trying to strip the clutter from my mind.. trying to find my zen again.. every winter, this happens.. i can see a pattern now.. every spring/summer/fall - i spend every waking moment outside.. sitting silent in nature.. it's so calm it borders on bliss.. i am balanced & well..

then winter hits & i get manic inside.. it's like this - once i've had a bad experience with X, then every time that situation rolls around again, i instantly think i'm going to have the same bad reaction.. like cell memory, my brain starts to prepare itself and my body goes thru some inner anxiety about doing X.. [there are too many situations, so they roll together as X] and then the panic attacks start and the heart palpitations, and i don't think i'm feeling anxiety, so it doesn't make sense.. but i know the mind is an amazing & curious thing..

so.. i feel a little defeated, as i can't pull myself out of this spiral on my own.. i started an anti-anxiety drug [again.. i've been thru this a few times in my life].. and damn the side effects are kicking my ass bad.. severe nausea, head ache, twitchy muscles, and my old nemesis insomnia is back with a force.. hours upon hours lying in bed with a brain that won't quell.. it's maddening.. but i will get over this stage.. it's just a bump in the road to hopefully finding my zen again..

when i said i spend too much time inside my own head, it's true.. it's hard to get perspective when the only sounding board i have is my own inner self..

anyway, i didn't mean for this to be a big long drawn out rant.. i didn't need to say all that.. but what i am going to do, is find one single, simple, piece of beauty in my life everyday..

unwell - matchbox 20 - this song ran on a loop all night long in my head..

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There are 22 comments , add yours!
Buster Bruce 5 months, 4 weeks ago

Seasonal Affective Disorder- a real reaction to light deprivation. Maybe you suffer from something else but it happens to many. Move to sunny place, watch images of blue sky and sunshine. I had touches of this when I lived in Seattle- always winter time darkness.

5 months, 4 weeks ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Buster Bruce 5 months, 4 weeks ago

i'm sure that has something to do with it.. my Vit D is low.. 
i am feeling a little better [anxiety-wise]  a little more calm.. :)

5 months, 4 weeks ago Edited
Bethany Plonski 6 months ago

I can relate to this so much - it's damn hard to interrupt patterns that get that deeply ingrained, and even harder not to feel defeated when you try. I've been backtracking through these posts, so I'm really happy to see things are looking up. smile You've got this! And you created a beautiful series of photos to capture the transition too.

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Bethany Plonski 5 months, 4 weeks ago

thanks Bethany.. 
i'm on the up swing.. i hope you are mending well.. :)

5 months, 4 weeks ago Edited
Pete 6 months ago

is this what they call cabin fever? May the sun break through for you

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Pete 5 months, 4 weeks ago

thank you.. it is breaking thru.. :)

5 months, 4 weeks ago Edited
Jolien Dekens 6 months ago

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.
Anxiety can really sneak up on you and before you know it you're stuck in that downward spiral again.
But you got out before so you can do it again! Just remember, our heads are often unnecessary cruel to us.
No need to always listen to it and don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing great!

And thanks for sharing the song, it went straight into my playlist :)

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Jolien Dekens 6 months ago

Thanks Jolien.. I know it's not a weakness to need help. Yet it's always hard for me to seek it out.. 
Guess I will always have this relationship with anxiety.. but in getting back to good.. :)

6 months ago Edited
Trinicia Perch 6 months ago

Beautiful image.  Thank you for sharing your story.  Sending good thoughts into the universe as you travel the road back to your zen.  Continue to find the beauty each day.  😊

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Trinicia Perch 6 months ago

Thanks Trinicia.. I feel a little better today.. as long as i can still see beauty in the world then I know I'm good. Appreciate your kindness..

6 months ago Edited
Lynn F Medley 6 months ago

I really love your images and narratives,, you find beauty in simple things so well ,, no pressure but please get up and move  ,,I deal with anxiety and know a little from where you come , it is a viscous loop ,, 🙏

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Lynn F Medley 6 months ago

thanks Lynn.. sorry that you DO know.. i somehow have forgotten that the Universe has my back.. smile.. 
thanks again..

6 months ago Edited
Francis Parker 6 months ago

I like the detail in your image and to me it sort of invokes a feeling of solitude winter brings.

I hope your bump in the road is short-lived and you move past it quickly. This time of the year is difficult for many. Good luck on finding that one piece of beauty each day to make the day just a little bit better.

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Francis Parker 6 months ago

Thank you.. anxiety is a sneaky bugger.. smile..

6 months ago Edited
Eiram Marie 6 months ago

And yet your photo  is full of beauty and zen will get there!

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Eiram Marie 6 months ago

thanks Eiram.. really thanks.. :)

6 months ago Edited
Camellia Staab 6 months ago

I am with Bjorn as far as the anti anxiety med, but sadly I don't have a suggestion. Fingers crossed your zen will appear soon.

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Camellia Staab 6 months ago

thanks Camellia.. there is a hump to get over.. i'm pushing thru.. communicating is one way, i'm so private in real life, but this makes me accountable..  :)

6 months ago Edited
Camellia Staab Replied to Sherry Hill 6 months ago


6 months ago Edited
Björn Roose 6 months ago

When I read the "side effects" I couldn't help but wondering if those drugs are realy meant to be ANTI-anxiety ...

6 months ago Edited
Sherry Hill Replied to Björn Roose 6 months ago

I wonder the same thing.. I guess they will subside in a couple weeks.. I hope to ride it out and not just say F it.. ugh

6 months ago Edited
Björn Roose Replied to Sherry Hill 6 months ago

Saying "F it" every now and then is good smile

6 months ago Edited